Thanks Mom

It’s been a good day, minus some weird poppy-growing, sandalwood sniffing, probably pot smoking boy ripping us (the floral shop) off a reed diffuser.  I didn’t have proof, so it didn’t go anywhere.  Definitely made me mad though.
I also have some religious co-workers who believe that the election of Obama will lead us closer to the “End of Days.”  They had the scriptures and teaching to back up their theories while all that was going through my head was a made-up McCain Ad that says “Don’t Vote for Obama” and a picture of the Earth exploding.  Maybe I should join his ad campaign.
I also got the bottom of something that has been bugging me.  I’ve been living each day with this huge sense of urgency in the pit of my stomach and I feared that simply, I was going crazy…but I think I understand it:
You see, I don’t live in fear of dying.  However, when my mom died there were so many circumstances that left so many questions that will never be answered.  I hate unanswered questions, however, ironically it’s this burden that has turned into my gift.  I live now with this urgency-not in fear of death-but to answer every unanswered question.  Whether it’s of relationships or experiences, should something happen to me or to someone close to me, I don’t want any unanswered questions.  For me or for them.   It’s this urgency that has given me courage to ask questions I never would have, try new things I would have let fear deny me of, and be who I really want to be.  It has opened a whole new chapter in my life and lead me down paths I never would have gone. –Thus creating new memories that are mine forever.
So, I guess this is where I say, “Thanks Mom.”

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Into Every Life a Crap-Load of Rain Must Fall

It’s been a rough few days for me here.  There’s been a little family drama, and with that, a pretty bad day of missing my mom (even though she passed 4 1/2 years ago.)  I think it was all worth it–meaning the family situation should improve, and it feels really good not to be holding anything in anymore.   Today is better, but I’m still pretty tired from it all.  Yesterday was the lowest I’ve been in a  really long time.  Today is a new day and the past doesn’t dictate the future.  Time to move on.
In other news, we’re waiting for our check to come in for our down payment on our new car and as soon as it does, we’ll go an get it.  It’s been a long few weeks of getting it all worked out, but I don’t mind.  In my world, the anticipation is half the fun of the event itself.  It’s been nice feeling really excited about something, it’s been awhile since that’s happened too.  
As I write this, it’s an hour before we get our mail and see whether the check is here or not.  If it is, it means a trip to Wausau this afternoon to get the car.  In which case, I should be more ready than I am at present, so I better go fix that.  I’ll write more later.

Nuclear Fall Out

Yesterday was a hard day….it was a day I felt really lonely-really missing my family. –By that, I mean the family that doesn’t exist anymore.  I was missing my mom, but it was bigger than that.  I realized that I missed my nuclear family.  (My mom, my dad and I)  And I realized too that despite being unhealthy, dysfunctional, and corrupted, I belonged.  I really haven’t had that feeling since.  And the days I miss my mom, I mean I miss the very few days I got a real glimpse of her..usually right out of rehab.  I missed the fun that we had, and because of death, selective memory becomes easier and all those years we fought or rarely spoke or that avoided her like the plague (because of her clinical depression & alcoholism) seem to fade in remembrance of the few good times.  I know that.  
But in lieu of all this, I wish to become closer with my dad, in a relaxed friendship sort of way.  I know despite my age that I will always be his little girl and he will always be my dad, but after 27 years I think I’ve also earned some friendship thrown in there.–Sometime to forget our roles and enjoy each other as we are.  I guess I’m craving this more than usual because he is the only link I have left to the roots I miss and he is the only parent I have left. 
I wrote him an e-mail explaining this yesterday.  I have yet to get a reply, but I know this is a busy week for him, so we shall see. 
In the meantime, I also know I need to work on letting all this go.  The only thing that’s preventing that at the moment is this void I feel.  I guess I find myself desperately wanting to fill it (at least a little) with something so I can be the best person I can. (as in Wife, Mother and Friend)  Most days, letting go isn’t a big struggle–yesterday I just fell down I guess.  You win some and you lose some.  *shrug*
I did finally get a chance to work on my art last night.  I have a lot more to do, but somehow, the little I did get done was some pretty good therapy in lieu if a pretty bad day. 

Paper Beads I Started on...They need more work yet

Paper Beads I Started on...They need more work yet

 

The new canvas I started. (Also needs more work) I was in a Sci-Fi mood-which is odd for me.

The new canvas I started. (Also needs more work) I was in a Sci-Fi mood-which is odd for me.

I’m sure you noticed one of the Dragon Fly-like things has it’s head ripped off.  That was compliments of kidlet.  The head was found and is being repaired at the moment.  Oh well.  It’ll still work.

DreamWeaver

Last night I got married to my friend from High School.  Oprah provided my wedding dress, diamond earrings and wedding rings.  The ceremony was in a huge Hall.  I was Queen of the Country.  It was amazing. 
I also talked to my mom last night.  Every time she shows up, I still get this sinking feeling in my stomach and I yell at her.  I caught myself last night and realized it was her.  Somehow I got to thinking that I was showing up in HER dream.  I told her “I must be about 14 or 15 when you’re dreaming this.  In ten years you’re going to die.  You’re going to leave me.  You’re going to commit Suicide.” 
I was also back at my parents house last night playing with some young neighborhood girls.  Three Dodo Birds-Orange, Pink and Yellow, kept landing outside the porch door. 
I was busy last night.  It’s a wonder I slept at all…no wonder I’m tired today.

Into Every Life a Little Rain Must Fall

Today makes 4 years since my mom passed.  It’s not a subject I talk about much.  Frankly, there’s not much to tell.  Surprisingly even after 4 years today got to me. 
For those that don’t know, my mom suffered from Clinical Depression and Alcoholism all my life.  We never had a real relationship and I have no idea who my “real mom” ever was.   There was 23 years of very hard times, but it was days like these that I can only seem to remember her large happy glazed eyes first thing in the morning, or her waiting by the kitchen table full of presents every morning of my Birthday.  Those are the brief moments I miss.  It was those fleeting moments that I got a glimpse of what having a “normal mom” was like. 
My mom called a day before her death and left a message begging for me to call her.  She was in the midst of a move from an apartment in which she had lived for 8 years into a different place.  I callously brushed her off promising that I would call her when she was moved in.  I never got that chance. 
My mom knew her fate.  She yelled at her brother and parents for trying to unpack her things.  She wanted them left.  She had other things planned.  She always made a bid deal out of Birthdays.  My Grandma’s Birthday was right around the corner.  She apologized to my Grandma citing previous years when my mom had made a cake and they celebrated together.  She told my Grandma that she wasn’t going to be around for that year’s celebration, and again she apologized.  My Grandma didn’t think much of it thinking that my mom must have an appointment that day and wouldn’t be able to come up.  Mom’s wake was on Grandma’s Birthday. 
The weight of the world topped with a forced move, a mental illness and alcoholism got to be too much for my mom to handle after 23 years.  She decided that night that she would take a bottle of tranquilizers, a bottle of blood pressure lowering meds and wash it down with a bottle of alcohol.  She fixed her hair and laid down on the living room floor to drift off to “sleep.”
It was my Grandparents that found her the next day after they had tried to call and there was no answer.  My mom had meant for a Social Worker to find her as she had an appt. with one at 10:00 the next morning. 
I don’t write this looking for pity.  Even though my mom committed suicide, I know that she was supposed to “go home.”  If God didn’t want her, he wouldn’t have taken her.  Simple as that.  Further more, I know she’s in heaven, because even despite the hell she lived, she never lost focus of God–even when He didn’t “answer” her prayers and cure her.  She never lost her faith…just her way. 
What I’m left with on rare days like these is a sense of longing.  I long a sense of closure in the torrentialy tumultuous relationship she and I had.  I long for a hug from her to know that we’re okay.  None of those things got resolved and maybe that’s what hurts if anything….not having that last minute to at least end things neutrally…even if that means to agree to disagree.  If there’s any wish in my heart.  That would be it.
Finally, am I mad?  No.  I want the best for my mom.  Under these circumstances, her death was probably it.  I don’t mean to sound harsh. I just mean that it’s the relief from the hell she lived for so many years, and regardles of how she died, she earned that.  She deserves that. 
So Mom, wherever you are.  I still love you.  I always will.  And I hope the next time I see you we can spent sometime together and I can get to know the “real” you.