Late Night Ramblings

It’s 9:30p.m. we just finished a movie and with the way I’ve been feeling, I should at least be tired; obviously, that’s not the case.  We watched “Dan in Real Life” tonight and although admittedly slow-moving, I thought it was okay.  Hubby didn’t agree, so I suppose I’ll let him take a crack at the Netflix list.  *Mentally preparing myself for consecutive weeks of “shoot ’em up, blow ’em up, boobie” flicks.*  –Sigh. 
Sitting at the table tonight with kidlet, both of us coloring (what…?) while Hubby made dinner, I remembered my childhood where I treated coloring books as practically sacred.  I had so many rules.  I HAD to color the pages in order.  I HAD to color the characters/images the CORRECT colors, and if I wasn’t sure on the colors, I had to look until I found a picture of them to compare.  Furthermore, I got mad at other kids for making marks on pages that weren’t next to be colored and I got equally as mad when they didn’t color the characters/images the RIGHT (as in true to life) colors.  Wow, even then I had issues….  I guess the silver-lining to this disturbing tale is that I’m weeks shy of 28 and I can FINALLY color an Octopus purple, or give Minnie a red dress instead of her pink one.  However, I still might need to attend a meeting here or there to keep up with my progress. 
I’m also happy to report that my eye has improved, is less swollen and I may ACTUALLY have a shot of resuming eye make-up for work come Monday.  Miracles come in all forms.  I guess this also means I can resume walking in an upright position as opposed to the hunched-over Igor impression my co-workers found humorous.  *shrug*
Tomorrow is Sunday which brings Football and Nascar.  I tried to squeeze in some college football today, and although Hubby wasn’t happy I only had to argue that it was on right before the news and that I was waiting for news to come on.  That won me 3rd and 4th quarter of the WI vs MN game. -SWEET. 
So, although this week has been rough, it was full of a lot of lessons and reminders, and who couldn’t use those?  Afterall, it’s why we’re here.  Oh!  And I got a clean house out of it, so I really did win all the way around.

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Who Needs a Couch When There’s a House to Clean?

What a difference a day makes.  I had some inner demons that I had to conquer, and I successfully did that today, surprisingly with housework.  WOW!  Someone should have told me years ago what good therapy housecleaning is.  It would have saved me a lot of money. 😉 LOL.
This all sort of freaked out my Hubby as I’m not usually the one to initiate a good deep-clean, so he was kind of confused, but it didn’t matter to me.  It was through a great “Pitch and Purge” session that filled 4 garbage bags, that left me once again feeling like me, and that I can do anything.  I missed this feeling!   Who knew?! 
I’m also feeling physically better and think I’m beating whatever is trying to keep me down.  I still feel the worst in the mornings until the drugs kick-in, but once that happens I’m almost back to 100%.  
It’s a good day afterall.  We need the bad days to appreciate the good ones. 🙂

Oops

I got a good dose of reality today, which is always welcomed and rewarding.  I have the eternal flaw of having a short attention span, and I really do hate it.  Furthermore, I’m a micro-manager…which I think is a nice term for “controlling.”  And it’s funny because as much faith as I have and as much as that faith has been tested and has always prevailed, it’s the first thing I forget when it comes to me.  I’m so busy trying to stay in control that I forget the very lesson that I’m NOT in control, that I DON’T know what’s best for me and that only God does.  *looking up* Sorry about that….my bad. 
So, I’ve once again been reminded by something that remains a bit less hurtful than a lightning bolt, that if it hasn’t happened in my life, it wasn’t supposed to and I can try and plan my future out the minute, but it won’t mean anything, because God will still over-ride it if need be.  For a long time, I’ve been okay with this, have embraced it and have even looked forward to it.  It’s just when my selfish ego takes over, wants something it hasn’t gotten and thinks it deserves that I forget all that I already have.  A stern private conference with myself in the car ride home today (be grateful you weren’t there) slapped me in the face and I reminded myself that’s I’m very well living the reward right now for surviving the tumultuous years of my childhood.  God knows best.  He always has.  He always will.  I’m sorry for forgetting that.

If I Were Just Me II

Let me say right off the bat, that I’m not unhappy with my life.  But, what I can say is that naturally, I get so wrapped up in taking care of kidlet, working at the Floral Shop, house-keeping, school, and making time for family, that I’ve realized I started to kind of forget who I am….as an individual.   I promised myself I would never let that happen.  So, I’m so happy this question of “What would I do if I were just me?” came to me, because I can use it now, still dream big and make them goals for a little later in my life.
I’ve already established that I would at the very least like to look into moving to Hawaii.  With that, (or even if that changes or doesn’t work) I want to write, paint and do anything I can creatively.  I would love my work shown in gallery, and I would love days spent in a sun room lost in music as I do nothing but paint and/or create. 
I want to travel too.  To see places I haven’t but desire to.  That list includes, New York, Las Vegas, Alaska, Australia, Africa and I’m newly leaning towards poking my nose into Paris.  I want to ge able to travel on a whim and get that “Backpacking through Europe” feeling that I missed during my college years.  I also want to be able to pick-up and visit my friends around the country on a dime.  No matter how much I travel, I always want a place to call home.  It doesn’t have to be much, but a corner of the world that lets me be me.  –and that comes with a maid and a cabana boy.  My goals here–nothing is off limits.
I also want a close group of friends to have dinner parties with, afternoons of football tailgating and bookclubs with.  And I want to be cultured in wine…enough to at least feel comfortable. 
I want impromptu nights of rock concerts, movies, going out or staying in with friends or alone. 
To sum it up, I want a time in my life when I can wake up and decide what I want to do with that day.  I am careful to approach this not with a sense of “That’s all nice, BUT…..” but rather “That’s all nice, AND…(this is what I need to get there)”
Forgive me, I’ve just been immersed in everything else lately that I just needed this 1/2 hour to get back to me and remind myself what goals lie within me, separate from anyone else.  I needed this post to ground me again and shed any number of the roles I carry during the coarse of a day (like we all do.)  I hope you don’t mind.

Revisions, Deletions and Completions

I thought I would pull up this list to check some things off, delete somethings and add others.  This list isn’t challenging unless it changes with me. 🙂

So, here is my “Master List” as this is my list to conquer and live by: 

An “X” = accomplished
 
1.) Find out if Pudding is a Viscous Liquid or an Amorphous Solid.  **Those who know me aren’t surprised by this…
2.) Go Sky-Diving or Bungee Jumping **Also very Cliche, but Heights is a #1 fear of mine, and someday I’d like to be able to climb a ladder w/o wetting myself and forgetting who I am for an hour.-So I might as well go big.
3.) Take a Safari in Africa
4.) Visit Australia
5.) Tour NYC like a complete Tourist
6.) Have a Unforgettable (or an unable-to-be-remembered) trip to LasVegas*To go with 23*
7.) Write a Book
8.) Have it Published
9.) Own my own Business/Company
10.) Be a Motivational Speaker (once)
11.) Visit every State in the USA (and admit that airports don’t count)
12.) Do stand-up comedy (at least once)
X 13.) Learn to Live in the Moment
X 14.) Have kids (If God will let me)
15.) Start a non-profit
16.) Make Headlines *Hopefully for something that doesn’t involve me getting arrested.
X 17.) Take a Hot Air Balloon Ride
18.) Own a small home in Key West, Fl.
19.) Swim with Dolphins
20.) Have the Biggest Bash ever for my 30th Birthday (So I mourn it less.)
21.) Visit Alaska
22.) Retire in Hawaii
23.) renew my Wedding Vows in a Cheesy Vegas Wedding Chapel w/an Elvis Impersonator…*only appropriate seeing my husband’s name is Elvis…Yeah, he’s gonna hate that.
X 24.) Learn to Worry Less
X 25.) Learn that a Job is only a Job
X 26.) Care Less about what people think of me
27.) Have Unlimited Income
28.) Own a Home
29.) Buy Another Car
X 30.) Get More Friends in our Town to go out with
31.) Take Another Cruise
32.) Own a St. Bernard
33.) Be able to spend entire days painting
34.) Learn to be myself without apologizes
35.) Have a time in my life where I can wake up each morning and decide what I want to do with each day
36.) Realize how strong I am
37.) Know that there is NOTHING that I cannot do
38.) Remember that every happiness I could ever want is within me already
39.) Be able to completely let go of my past without feeling guilt or blame
X 40.) Spit off a Hot Air Balloon
X 41.) Go back to school
42.) Own a Basset Hound
43.) Own a Wiener Dog named Dick
44.) Have my art shown in a gallery
45.) Get my Diploma in the Course I’m taking

Merry Halloween!!

Happy Halloween!  I ironically spent mine stringing Christmas lights on trees, putting together another tree, hanging ornaments, etc.  Tis’ the Season!
I got off work an hour early to pick up kidlet to go Trick-or-Treating.  She had gone once during daycare, but we still had to make the rounds to Grandma & Grandpa and Auntie.  So, I picked her up, took her home, got her dressed, gathered our things and left.  Went to Grandma & Grandpa’s, then went around the block to Auntie’s, then further around the block back to Grandma & Grandma’s.  There, we found that Grandpa had gone back into the woods, so we took Grandma out to eat.  Upon finishing dinner, we dropped Grandma off back at their house and did a major grocery shopping trip.  After getting home and unloaded, we got kidlet to sleep and I squeezed in a work-out and a shower.  I’m tired.
The Hot Air Balloon Company called my cell during work asking if we would like to try to go again as this weekend’s weather is looking really nice.  A few phone calls made and a few phone calls returned, it looks like we’ll be trying again tomorrow night.  Keep your finger’s crossed!  Grandma is kind enough to take kidlet over-night Saturday, so that should be nice.
Sunday we’ll be heading to my hometown to see kidet’s other Grandparents and attend the Halloween Parade.  My parents are planning on having lunch for us, which means an early kidlet pick-up and road-trip.  A busy weekend indeed!
I don’t really have anything witty or thought-provoking today.  Weariness has taken all of those thoughts hours ago. 

Our Lil Princess

Our Lil' Princess

 

Happy Halloween!

Happy Halloween!

Straight to Time-Out

jeez, you put a couple of crickets and a night crawler in the microwave and bam! ...straight to time out.

jeez, you put a couple of crickets and a night crawler in the microwave and bam! ...straight to time out.

After last evening, I needed this laugh.  Hubby and I had another “misunderstanding” between us about his work last night.  Saturday we’re due to take kidlet trick-or-treating for the very first time and he has a meeting, that he refuses to even look into missing or rescheduling.   I just selfishly hate all these weekends of being a single-parent and especially ones where he misses big events.  We still have yet to “make-up” from this one.  It’ll come sooner or later…
I also came to a situation in my life where one has to make the classic decision of doing what’s easy or what’s right.  The right thing prevailed, but the quote of “Sometimes doing the right thing isn’t easy” is the understatement of century.  I need to have a talk with the orginator of that quote.
So, between these 2 things, I’m feeling kinda crappy.  However, here’s a good time to remember “This, Too, Shall Pass.”   Yeah.
In better news I got THE Best Card in the mail yesterday from from my adopted-mom from http://twitter.com/  @AnnOhio:

listen here you flat chested, broad assed, penciled-in eye browed, tupperware snatchin wench! give me back my deviled egg carrier!

listen here you flat chested, broad assed, penciled-in eye browed, tupperware snatchin' wench! give me back my deviled egg carrier!

Yes, it’s random, but I LOVE IT!  These great cards are brought to you by: http://www.mikwright.com/orders/default.asp?Type=All  They are so funny!! 
Oh, and THANKS ANN!!!!!

Thanks Mom

It’s been a good day, minus some weird poppy-growing, sandalwood sniffing, probably pot smoking boy ripping us (the floral shop) off a reed diffuser.  I didn’t have proof, so it didn’t go anywhere.  Definitely made me mad though.
I also have some religious co-workers who believe that the election of Obama will lead us closer to the “End of Days.”  They had the scriptures and teaching to back up their theories while all that was going through my head was a made-up McCain Ad that says “Don’t Vote for Obama” and a picture of the Earth exploding.  Maybe I should join his ad campaign.
I also got the bottom of something that has been bugging me.  I’ve been living each day with this huge sense of urgency in the pit of my stomach and I feared that simply, I was going crazy…but I think I understand it:
You see, I don’t live in fear of dying.  However, when my mom died there were so many circumstances that left so many questions that will never be answered.  I hate unanswered questions, however, ironically it’s this burden that has turned into my gift.  I live now with this urgency-not in fear of death-but to answer every unanswered question.  Whether it’s of relationships or experiences, should something happen to me or to someone close to me, I don’t want any unanswered questions.  For me or for them.   It’s this urgency that has given me courage to ask questions I never would have, try new things I would have let fear deny me of, and be who I really want to be.  It has opened a whole new chapter in my life and lead me down paths I never would have gone. –Thus creating new memories that are mine forever.
So, I guess this is where I say, “Thanks Mom.”

And I Find Myself On The Couch Once Again

“To be nobody but myself–in a world which is doing it’s best, night and day, to make me somebody else–means to fight the hardest battle any human can fight, and never stop fighting.” — E.E. Cummings

I think I found a new motto.  Maybe I should get it tattooed on my forhead…nah…too many words, but it’s a thought.  It’s sums up the battle I kind of feel everyday.  Whether it’s at work, or friends.  Granted, I get a lot of strange looks when I voice my perspective, but there are so many social norms that I would just love to bust through like a football team through a banner.  But, I’ll behave.  I’m still going to continue beng me if it kills me though. 
Speaking of me, I’ve been all over the place lately.  I need to anchor myself again..get back to reality.  Tell myself where I belong in life instead of living in where I think I should be.  I guess this is true moreso in personal relationships rather than work at the moment.  I welcome work lately.  Everything is so clear-cut there.  No guesswork, no wishing, but still use of creativity.  Ironically, it’s my safe place for my mind lately. I’m just so restless.  There’s a huge part of me tonight that would love to get up and just go out on my own.  I haven’t had this feeling before.  It’s in no disrespect of my family or kidlet, and it’s not because anything is wrong.  It just feels like my soul literally wants to jump out of my body and take the open road to nowhere or to everywhere.  At this moment, I’m missing my usual secure sense of self, and I’m not a fan of this feeling.–And I sit here desperately trying to figure it out, I think I just have.  I feel empty inside right now because I’ve been seeking approval, permission, love and peices of other people that they can’t give me.  And because it’s not right, I’ve been denying myself.  Let me see if I can explain this better:
“Women have to overcome thier fear of not being liked.  “It’s a choice we have to make between being good–quiet enough, thin enough, pretty enough, pleasant enough, good enough–and being great.” 
“Give into the river [of life].  Fully embrace it and flow with it because it knows what you should be doing.  Move with it without trying to stop the boat so people can admire you and like you, so they can say “You’re good, you’re smart, you’re pretty, I give you permission.”  Keep moving, keep seeing, keep knowing, and keep saying what you know to be your truth, without needing or looking for the admiration of others.”
“You are good.  You are beautiful.  You are smart.  Give yourself permission.” –“Life is a Verb” Patti Digh p.106
–That’s exactly it!  I’ve stopped my boat too long and I feel like I’m drowning.  It’s time to keep moving, to stop fighting the current and trying to go to shore.  It’s time to trust where it’s going to take me.  It’s time to know that everything I’m seeking from others is already in me.  It’s time to once again trust that whatever is meant to happen will.  I’ve forgotten that.  I’ve been busy with my own agenda.  I guess this is the sock in the gut I needed. 
The good thing about this moment?  I can go to bed tonight once again feeling whole.  I’ve really missed that feeling recently.   This does not mean I’m paying WordPress for therapy time.  Sorry.

Favorite Jeans

Today has brought another realization about life.  There are so many people that we come in contact with.  So many that are meant to be in your life for just a part of it.  Then there are others that are there throughout.  These are the people that you couldn’t have possibly guessed would be so during the younger days of cliques, popularity contests, and other discriminations school years tend to bring. 
I find that with older age brings with it a deeper vision of life.  I find with these certain relationships, that looks are triumphed by a stronger sense of connection.  10 years (or in some cases 15) brings so much with it.  Yet these are the relationship that no matter how much time has passed either in general or in between contact with each other, it always feels like a favorite pair of jeans-Familiar, worn, casual, forgiving. 
There are still times that in amoungst tending to kidlet, working, laundry, dishes, cleaning, making jewelry, blogging, and spreading my perspective simply with a goal to recieve a “WTF look”–I still get lonely.  But today has served as a great reminder that I don’t need to feel that way.   Yes, daytime contact with friends can lack from time to time, but my constants are always there if/when needed. –And the best part is that I don’t have to get all gussied-up to prep to see them.  They take me as I am no matter what.   I hope they know that the same goes for me…always and forever.
And to them, I owe a huge “thank you.” 

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