And I Find Myself On The Couch Once Again

“To be nobody but myself–in a world which is doing it’s best, night and day, to make me somebody else–means to fight the hardest battle any human can fight, and never stop fighting.” — E.E. Cummings

I think I found a new motto.  Maybe I should get it tattooed on my forhead…nah…too many words, but it’s a thought.  It’s sums up the battle I kind of feel everyday.  Whether it’s at work, or friends.  Granted, I get a lot of strange looks when I voice my perspective, but there are so many social norms that I would just love to bust through like a football team through a banner.  But, I’ll behave.  I’m still going to continue beng me if it kills me though. 
Speaking of me, I’ve been all over the place lately.  I need to anchor myself again..get back to reality.  Tell myself where I belong in life instead of living in where I think I should be.  I guess this is true moreso in personal relationships rather than work at the moment.  I welcome work lately.  Everything is so clear-cut there.  No guesswork, no wishing, but still use of creativity.  Ironically, it’s my safe place for my mind lately. I’m just so restless.  There’s a huge part of me tonight that would love to get up and just go out on my own.  I haven’t had this feeling before.  It’s in no disrespect of my family or kidlet, and it’s not because anything is wrong.  It just feels like my soul literally wants to jump out of my body and take the open road to nowhere or to everywhere.  At this moment, I’m missing my usual secure sense of self, and I’m not a fan of this feeling.–And I sit here desperately trying to figure it out, I think I just have.  I feel empty inside right now because I’ve been seeking approval, permission, love and peices of other people that they can’t give me.  And because it’s not right, I’ve been denying myself.  Let me see if I can explain this better:
“Women have to overcome thier fear of not being liked.  “It’s a choice we have to make between being good–quiet enough, thin enough, pretty enough, pleasant enough, good enough–and being great.” 
“Give into the river [of life].  Fully embrace it and flow with it because it knows what you should be doing.  Move with it without trying to stop the boat so people can admire you and like you, so they can say “You’re good, you’re smart, you’re pretty, I give you permission.”  Keep moving, keep seeing, keep knowing, and keep saying what you know to be your truth, without needing or looking for the admiration of others.”
“You are good.  You are beautiful.  You are smart.  Give yourself permission.” –“Life is a Verb” Patti Digh p.106
–That’s exactly it!  I’ve stopped my boat too long and I feel like I’m drowning.  It’s time to keep moving, to stop fighting the current and trying to go to shore.  It’s time to trust where it’s going to take me.  It’s time to know that everything I’m seeking from others is already in me.  It’s time to once again trust that whatever is meant to happen will.  I’ve forgotten that.  I’ve been busy with my own agenda.  I guess this is the sock in the gut I needed. 
The good thing about this moment?  I can go to bed tonight once again feeling whole.  I’ve really missed that feeling recently.   This does not mean I’m paying WordPress for therapy time.  Sorry.

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Can I Get a “Hell Yes”?!?!

The past week hasn’t been great as far as my mood goes.  I’m not a morning person, but somehow this past week, that has been magnified…and has lasted longer and has started to seep into my overall attitude.  I picked up my new book last night “Life is a Verb” and got smacked in the face with a huge “Ah-Ha!” Moment-as Oprah would put it.  
The gist of what was written is that it’s time for us (well, me) to start saying a big “Hell Yes!” to our lives.  You see, I was resenting Kidlet because I was–well, still am sleep deprived because of her lack of sleep at night.  It’s because of her that I’m up at 7:00a.m. rather than being able to lounge in my bed and sleep in to catch on the BADLY NEEDED beauty sleep.  That resentment between her interrupting my sleep and my Hubby pulling extra hours at camp – which turns into added “single-parent” hours for me, was simply turning into anger.  In this small chapter, I realized that it’s time to put my “big girl panties” on and instead of fighting it, just say yes to it.  This is my life.  I might as well enjoy it, even if it’s a hazing half-awake state for the first hour…okay maybe longer.  Being resentful and angry about it isn’t going to stop it, and I can take refuge in knowing that it’s a phase…lasting until I get those tranquilizers in from Canada for kidlet. (Just Kidding!)
“Saying Hell Yes” also means letting go, trying new things, dancing in your car, letting go of judging others, so you care less of what others think of you, renting the red convertible-when needing to rent a car.  It’a about the memories, and those memories are far more memorable when you go with your heart and take the “Path Less Traveled.”  She brought up on of the best points I’ve heard:
“If I recall correctly, the death rate for people who play it safe and for people who live bodly is the same: 100%”

Life is a Verb

Life is a Verb

I’m still responsible having life insurance, and a simple IRA plan, so I haven’t gone completely off the deep end.  I’m just loving this new take on life.  Oh, and if you haven’t gathered by this post, I flippin love this book!

Vibe’n Life Again

Good morning.  It’s been a busy few days, so I apologize for the tardiness of this update. The drama mentioned before is over, life has moved on and I’m feeling good again.  I guess we need bad days in order to appreciate the good days that much more.  I just don’t like to write when I’m really down because I don’t want this blog to be a bid sob-story.  That’s not what I’m about.  Reporting life is what I’m about. 
Anyway, we FINALLY got our car Wednesday.  IT’S WONDERFUL!  It’s a 4 cylinder, but dang it has balls.  It has XM (which we’ll keep) and OnStar (which we won’t).  It has a whole 400 miles on it, as I took it on a road trip Thursday.  I did spend an hour at the dealership complaining about the treatment we received a couple of weeks ago from them (which I blogged about here in a previous post.)  I didn’t intend to complain that long, but the General Manager wanted to hear the story and so it went.  They attempted to compensate us with a dinner for two at a local restaurant and 2 free oil changes.  Also, one of the associates got fired…not only because of us, but because he had pulled the same thing with other customers.   The attempted compensation was nice, and the apology appreciated, but I’m still pretty sure we’ll go someplace else to get our next car.   Anyway, here’s the car that was such a pain in the butt to get, but worth it in the end:

2009 Pontiac Vibe

2009 Pontiac Vibe

 

 

Back Storage The Folds Down

Back Storage The Folds Down

 

Center Console

Center Console

I posted a couple weeks ago that I ordered some Bath and Body Works Lotions.  I got both “Enchanted Orchid” and “Wild Honeysuckle.”  I LOVE the “Enchanted Orchid” but the “Wild Honeysuckle” doesn’t smell anything like Honeysuckle but I’m learning to like it.  It’s just nice to put scented lotion on after a shower and smell good for awhile.
This week has been an odd one at work.  Monday we went from 0 to 5 funerals during the course of the day.  Despite the number of funerals, we’ve still managed to be dead all week.–No pun intended.  Yesterday just as the boredom officially set in, something worse came in and we got a shipment of baskets.  I hate unpacking baskets because of the Chinese Warehouse Dust that comes with them and the tedious work of putting liners and pricing all of them.  In the same breath, it was a mixed blessing because it kept us busy all day.  Oh well, you take what you can get.
I’ve been addicted to www.Etsy.com again in pursuit of a new key chain and a sock monkey (for Kidlet)  –A new ride deserves a new key chain, I think. So far, I like these: 

 

 

 

At the moment, I can’t decide, but I love window-shopping online and I love wish-lists even more.  It’s like actually shopping.  It doesn’t take much to make me happy.
Speaking of shopping, I did get a new book from www.Amazon.com
http://www.amazon.com/Life-Verb-Days-Mindful-Intentionally/dp/1599212951/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1221923145&sr=8-1  I just got it yesterday and flipped through it last night.  I’m really excited about it! 
Oh, and thanks again to Netflix, I got to see “The Notebook” last night.  Okay, if you haven’t seen this flick, YOU REALLY NEED TO!  It’s amazing!  I LOVED IT!!!  –Yes, it’s a tear-jerker, but a great one.  Oh, and on the subject of Netflix, I received some coupons for a free month trial if anyone is interested.  Just let me know.  I know how much we love it and how well it fits into our lifestyle.  Friday or Saturday nights are now usually movie nights. 🙂 
On a different note, we once again rescheduled our Hot Air Balloon Ride for this Sunday (Sept. 21st.)  I’m actually really excited about it (again) because the forecast actually looks good, and if we go up the trees around our area are turning colors and are GORGEOUS!  YAY!!!!  Maybe God’s plan is better than mine after all.–Don’t tell Him I said that.
Finally, I decided to put all of my Life Lessons into a Journal for Kidlet (someday.)  These are the querky thoughts/lessons I come across in daily life.  My only problem now is tracking down all the ones I’ve had.  Luckily, my Twitter archive (http://twitter.com/Knittwit) will help…once I get time to flip through them all.  I only have about 12,000 updates.  Yeah.