Crap.

Today was….well terrible.  Sorry.  Work has been so slow.  All of us have been laid off various days, which cuts into our paychecks.   I just keep remembering that I still have a job, and that seems to make it better.  My co-worker not only broke her shoulder last week, but her husband had a coronary and is not doing well.  I had an 85 year old woman come in and apply for a job today because she lost hers.  There has not been much good news today.
I’m just coming back from class where we did positive visualization….only mine didn’t turn out so positive.  We were told to envision the new, fit us: what it felt like, the confidence derived from it, the happiness….and with that I realized that this mission I’m on still won’t lead me to ultimate happiness.  Yes, I’ll feel better and look better, but when our instructor said: “Envision feeling like you can accomplish anything,” my mind asked what I wanted to accomplish and I didn’t get an answer. 
I sit here frustrated tonight.  I’ve started this overall mission of choosing new goals and accomplishing them, but none of them are leaving me feeling satisfied.  You can bet I’ll finish this road to a healthier me, but it pains me to know that I will most likely still not see myself differently.  I still won’t be truly happy, truly satisfied…..and what frustrates me the most is that I don’t have the answer to what will. 
After every adventure I’ve had, every course I’ve taken, every memory I’ve made…..I’m still truly at square one, and I’m feeling so very selfish for that fact.  I’m blessed with so much, yet here I sit terribly thinking “it’s not enough.”  Crap.

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Taking Attendance

With a New Year Comes a new look.  I’m all about change at the moment.  Things here (as I wrote before) have been crazy, but they’re finally slowing down a bit. 
The Holidays slapped me up, kicked my ass and put me in my place this year.  I just mean that I thought I was doing really well with “Living in the Moment.”  HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!  Nothing like decorating the Christmas tree to classic Christmas songs sung by the Greats to make this girl 9 yrs old again, and terribly missing my mom and dad.  Unfortunately that dark, empty feeling stuck through most of the holidays for me no matter what I tried to shake it.  I had a few glimmers of happiness while watching Kidlet open her gift, but it wasn’t until I got to see my Dad this past weekend that I felt better.  The Holidays make me homesick.  Bah. 
Okay.  Time to take attendance.  Mine that is…..What did I accomplish in 2008?
I Jumped Off a 6 Story Tower
I Went on a Hot Air Balloon Ride
I (as of tonight) Finished My Course and Will Receive My Diploma in Floral Design
1 Finished: 2 Canvases,
2 Knitting Projects (yikes),
and 5 Books
and I think that’s about it.  *shaking head*–I was hoping to do more…..

Looking Ahead:  To-Do List for 2009
Go to a Milwaukee Brewer’s Game
Learn to play the Guitar
Learn to play the Ukulele (No, I’m not joking)
Paint more (like every year)
This is the Year I Write a Children’s Book!
This is also the Year I Come into My Own
Sky Dive
Host a Huge Summer Party
Start the Tradition of a Family Camping Trip with Friends

I also find out Jan 6th if I get into a program that very well may change my life.  I’m crossing my fingers to get in, yet am undecided about blogging about it yet….Sorry.   It’s nothing scandalous–just private.   However, if I get in be prepared for big changes. 🙂
I’m ready for 2009.  It just means another 365 days of opportunity. 😀

Frank-ly Speaking

I was reminded of a person that had a strong influence in my life for playing a minor role.  It brought a smile to my face.
His name was Frankie Singleton and he was mentally handicapped.  He worked as a Janitor in the Courthouse where my dad works.  I’d come in as a kid and he always had a smile on his face, the Brewer stats in his head and an Elvis song in his mouth.  I don’t believe he had the capacity to feel sad.  He would greet whoever he met with “You look like a Moooovie Star.”   He was an amazing spirit.  He was fishing one day and tripped as he got out of his boat.  He hit his head on a rock and died.  That was 1997.  I was crushed when I found out.  The local paper did a 2-page spread on him and the radio station recorded a CD of Elvis tunes to play at his wake.  It was very hard for me to see. 
It amazes me to this day what a large influence he had on so many having such a minor job in life.  He was truly amazing and I miss him.  I can only hope to positively affect at least 1/2 the people he did in my lifetime.
I also realized that I’m looking forward to passing.  Not in a I’m-going-to-do-anything way.  Just in the “I’m not scared and I wonder what’s around the corner” way.  I also realized that it’s very taboo to say something like that.  Oh well.  In the meantime, I’m happy being here too and learning what I need to…I just love looking forward, that’s all. 
As of today I have new goals.  I don’t want to say too much at this point for risking me not going about it the right way and losing everything.  I have a husband and friends that support me and hopefully one that will join me when/if he is ready.  I’m very excited even though this may be 5 or even 10 years down the road (although hopefully not THAT long).  I really believe it’s gonna happen.  This is what I love about life. 
That’s all that’s in my head at the moment.  Probably a good thing….