My Winter of Discontent

Ahhh, another V-Day survived in the Floral Shop.  Granted this one was a lot slower than any in my memory.  When V-Day falls on a weekend it’s usually slower for Florists anyway, but couple that with the economy and it was down all the way around.  All we can do is hope next year is better.
With down business means lack of stories this year.  I usually have a good tale or two about guys sending to multiple girlfriends or any other number of creepy events, but no such luck this year.  Oh well.

I’m frying a bigger fish in my life right now.  And I sit here angry at myself.  I have a really great life.  A wonderful husband, a beautiful little girl, a roof over our head, and I still sit with a void in my life.  I don’t know what it is, but the feeling of this empty hole in the pit of my stomach is eating me alive.  I’m restless 24/7 and always feeling like I should be working on something bigger, but I have no idea what that something is. 
On the other hand, I sit here yelling at myself.  How dare I ask for more when so many have less.  How dare I not feel satisfied.  How dare I want more.  How selfish of me. 

I have tomorrow off and think I will spend my day here at this computer, looking up charities or projects that are bigger than me that might offer a shot at filling this void.  Maybe, just maybe I’ll get lucky and get an answer.  A girl can only hope.

And I Find Myself On The Couch Once Again

“To be nobody but myself–in a world which is doing it’s best, night and day, to make me somebody else–means to fight the hardest battle any human can fight, and never stop fighting.” — E.E. Cummings

I think I found a new motto.  Maybe I should get it tattooed on my forhead…nah…too many words, but it’s a thought.  It’s sums up the battle I kind of feel everyday.  Whether it’s at work, or friends.  Granted, I get a lot of strange looks when I voice my perspective, but there are so many social norms that I would just love to bust through like a football team through a banner.  But, I’ll behave.  I’m still going to continue beng me if it kills me though. 
Speaking of me, I’ve been all over the place lately.  I need to anchor myself again..get back to reality.  Tell myself where I belong in life instead of living in where I think I should be.  I guess this is true moreso in personal relationships rather than work at the moment.  I welcome work lately.  Everything is so clear-cut there.  No guesswork, no wishing, but still use of creativity.  Ironically, it’s my safe place for my mind lately. I’m just so restless.  There’s a huge part of me tonight that would love to get up and just go out on my own.  I haven’t had this feeling before.  It’s in no disrespect of my family or kidlet, and it’s not because anything is wrong.  It just feels like my soul literally wants to jump out of my body and take the open road to nowhere or to everywhere.  At this moment, I’m missing my usual secure sense of self, and I’m not a fan of this feeling.–And I sit here desperately trying to figure it out, I think I just have.  I feel empty inside right now because I’ve been seeking approval, permission, love and peices of other people that they can’t give me.  And because it’s not right, I’ve been denying myself.  Let me see if I can explain this better:
“Women have to overcome thier fear of not being liked.  “It’s a choice we have to make between being good–quiet enough, thin enough, pretty enough, pleasant enough, good enough–and being great.” 
“Give into the river [of life].  Fully embrace it and flow with it because it knows what you should be doing.  Move with it without trying to stop the boat so people can admire you and like you, so they can say “You’re good, you’re smart, you’re pretty, I give you permission.”  Keep moving, keep seeing, keep knowing, and keep saying what you know to be your truth, without needing or looking for the admiration of others.”
“You are good.  You are beautiful.  You are smart.  Give yourself permission.” –“Life is a Verb” Patti Digh p.106
–That’s exactly it!  I’ve stopped my boat too long and I feel like I’m drowning.  It’s time to keep moving, to stop fighting the current and trying to go to shore.  It’s time to trust where it’s going to take me.  It’s time to know that everything I’m seeking from others is already in me.  It’s time to once again trust that whatever is meant to happen will.  I’ve forgotten that.  I’ve been busy with my own agenda.  I guess this is the sock in the gut I needed. 
The good thing about this moment?  I can go to bed tonight once again feeling whole.  I’ve really missed that feeling recently.   This does not mean I’m paying WordPress for therapy time.  Sorry.

Nuclear Fall Out

Yesterday was a hard day….it was a day I felt really lonely-really missing my family. –By that, I mean the family that doesn’t exist anymore.  I was missing my mom, but it was bigger than that.  I realized that I missed my nuclear family.  (My mom, my dad and I)  And I realized too that despite being unhealthy, dysfunctional, and corrupted, I belonged.  I really haven’t had that feeling since.  And the days I miss my mom, I mean I miss the very few days I got a real glimpse of her..usually right out of rehab.  I missed the fun that we had, and because of death, selective memory becomes easier and all those years we fought or rarely spoke or that avoided her like the plague (because of her clinical depression & alcoholism) seem to fade in remembrance of the few good times.  I know that.  
But in lieu of all this, I wish to become closer with my dad, in a relaxed friendship sort of way.  I know despite my age that I will always be his little girl and he will always be my dad, but after 27 years I think I’ve also earned some friendship thrown in there.–Sometime to forget our roles and enjoy each other as we are.  I guess I’m craving this more than usual because he is the only link I have left to the roots I miss and he is the only parent I have left. 
I wrote him an e-mail explaining this yesterday.  I have yet to get a reply, but I know this is a busy week for him, so we shall see. 
In the meantime, I also know I need to work on letting all this go.  The only thing that’s preventing that at the moment is this void I feel.  I guess I find myself desperately wanting to fill it (at least a little) with something so I can be the best person I can. (as in Wife, Mother and Friend)  Most days, letting go isn’t a big struggle–yesterday I just fell down I guess.  You win some and you lose some.  *shrug*
I did finally get a chance to work on my art last night.  I have a lot more to do, but somehow, the little I did get done was some pretty good therapy in lieu if a pretty bad day. 

Paper Beads I Started on...They need more work yet

Paper Beads I Started on...They need more work yet

 

The new canvas I started. (Also needs more work) I was in a Sci-Fi mood-which is odd for me.

The new canvas I started. (Also needs more work) I was in a Sci-Fi mood-which is odd for me.

I’m sure you noticed one of the Dragon Fly-like things has it’s head ripped off.  That was compliments of kidlet.  The head was found and is being repaired at the moment.  Oh well.  It’ll still work.

Frank-ly Speaking

I was reminded of a person that had a strong influence in my life for playing a minor role.  It brought a smile to my face.
His name was Frankie Singleton and he was mentally handicapped.  He worked as a Janitor in the Courthouse where my dad works.  I’d come in as a kid and he always had a smile on his face, the Brewer stats in his head and an Elvis song in his mouth.  I don’t believe he had the capacity to feel sad.  He would greet whoever he met with “You look like a Moooovie Star.”   He was an amazing spirit.  He was fishing one day and tripped as he got out of his boat.  He hit his head on a rock and died.  That was 1997.  I was crushed when I found out.  The local paper did a 2-page spread on him and the radio station recorded a CD of Elvis tunes to play at his wake.  It was very hard for me to see. 
It amazes me to this day what a large influence he had on so many having such a minor job in life.  He was truly amazing and I miss him.  I can only hope to positively affect at least 1/2 the people he did in my lifetime.
I also realized that I’m looking forward to passing.  Not in a I’m-going-to-do-anything way.  Just in the “I’m not scared and I wonder what’s around the corner” way.  I also realized that it’s very taboo to say something like that.  Oh well.  In the meantime, I’m happy being here too and learning what I need to…I just love looking forward, that’s all. 
As of today I have new goals.  I don’t want to say too much at this point for risking me not going about it the right way and losing everything.  I have a husband and friends that support me and hopefully one that will join me when/if he is ready.  I’m very excited even though this may be 5 or even 10 years down the road (although hopefully not THAT long).  I really believe it’s gonna happen.  This is what I love about life. 
That’s all that’s in my head at the moment.  Probably a good thing….

Home Sweet Home

Today there was a Baby Shower for my God Son that brought me back to my hometown.  I got in early and stopped by my parents.  We had a nice time visiting and then it was off to the Shower.  That also was a good time, even though Kidlet wanted to spend the majority of it walking (with my help.)  I found out she likes pineapple, blueberries and cantaloupe today.  (Thanks Buffet!)
The best part of my day was the drive right after that back through my hometown.  It drew up feelings of Homesickness for the 1st time since I left in 2002.  My heart is telling I belong back there.  That’s a welcome feeling considering my husband is open to the idea in a couple of years.  We’ll need a couple of years to prepare anyway.  What I’m even more excited about is how my heart/gut is leading me to new ideas, new goals and new dreams.  Furthermore, I’m excited that my gut is telling me it’s obtainable. 
On the same note, I’m getting a phone call tomorrow on this subject. (More details to come later.)  Look out future!  Here I come!
“Some believe in Destiny and some believe in Fate.  I believe that Happiness is something we Create.  You best believe I’m not gonna wait!” -Sugarland

Ack.

Having a moment of Loneliness.  I hate this feeling.  It creeps in when I remember that we live in an area widely inhabited with post retirement-aged people and the closest bar closes at 10:00p.m. because they can’t stay awake past 8:00p.m.  
I’ve lived here almost 6 years now and still don’t have anyone around my age to go have drinks with or shop with or catch a movie with.  I love my hubby, but that doesn’t count as a actual “friend” does it?
Luckily, he and I are considering a move back to my hometown (Medford, WI) in about 3 years from now.  Granted, it’s all talk at this point, but if the move did happen our Social Life will improve by 1,000%.  That would be nice.
Off to bed for me for now.  Hey, when you live in Post Retirement-Rome you do as the Romans do.  Now.  Where did I put my teeth?