Nuclear Fall Out

Yesterday was a hard day….it was a day I felt really lonely-really missing my family. –By that, I mean the family that doesn’t exist anymore.  I was missing my mom, but it was bigger than that.  I realized that I missed my nuclear family.  (My mom, my dad and I)  And I realized too that despite being unhealthy, dysfunctional, and corrupted, I belonged.  I really haven’t had that feeling since.  And the days I miss my mom, I mean I miss the very few days I got a real glimpse of her..usually right out of rehab.  I missed the fun that we had, and because of death, selective memory becomes easier and all those years we fought or rarely spoke or that avoided her like the plague (because of her clinical depression & alcoholism) seem to fade in remembrance of the few good times.  I know that.  
But in lieu of all this, I wish to become closer with my dad, in a relaxed friendship sort of way.  I know despite my age that I will always be his little girl and he will always be my dad, but after 27 years I think I’ve also earned some friendship thrown in there.–Sometime to forget our roles and enjoy each other as we are.  I guess I’m craving this more than usual because he is the only link I have left to the roots I miss and he is the only parent I have left. 
I wrote him an e-mail explaining this yesterday.  I have yet to get a reply, but I know this is a busy week for him, so we shall see. 
In the meantime, I also know I need to work on letting all this go.  The only thing that’s preventing that at the moment is this void I feel.  I guess I find myself desperately wanting to fill it (at least a little) with something so I can be the best person I can. (as in Wife, Mother and Friend)  Most days, letting go isn’t a big struggle–yesterday I just fell down I guess.  You win some and you lose some.  *shrug*
I did finally get a chance to work on my art last night.  I have a lot more to do, but somehow, the little I did get done was some pretty good therapy in lieu if a pretty bad day. 

Paper Beads I Started on...They need more work yet

Paper Beads I Started on...They need more work yet

 

The new canvas I started. (Also needs more work) I was in a Sci-Fi mood-which is odd for me.

The new canvas I started. (Also needs more work) I was in a Sci-Fi mood-which is odd for me.

I’m sure you noticed one of the Dragon Fly-like things has it’s head ripped off.  That was compliments of kidlet.  The head was found and is being repaired at the moment.  Oh well.  It’ll still work.

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Grand Impatience

I didn’t get a chance to re-cap this weekend yet, mainly because I was too tired last night.  So, here goes:
Saturday we laid low and had a good day.  Sunday, we went to my hometown for the Baptism of my God Son, and to see my parents. 
The Baptism was beautiful and as always, it was so good to see Nicole and Si and their families.  It was great seeing the parents I kind of grew up with in High School now interacting with their Grand kids.  They were pushing them on bikes, carrying them around, playing with them and marveling at them.  It was so good to see the pride in their eyes.  It was what family feels like.
We went to my parents after, and in contrast, I noticed a difference.  I know they love kidlet just as much, but they don’t get to see her as often so that level of comfort mentioned in the previous paragraph isn’t there yet.   I won’t lie, I was disappointed.  I e-mailed my dad about it when I got home because it was bugging me so much.  He replied with an excellent e-mail in return, explaining that he wanted to give her space to warm up to him, etc.  I understood then.  I just hope it gets to a point where they can play ball together or color, or walk around and point things out to her.  It will take a few more visits, and I know it will happen.  I just feel the void more than normal, because in lieu of my mom’s death and despite the step-grandkids my dad has, I want him to love Grace enough for both him and my mom and I know that’s not fair.  I do know that is his only blood grandchild–and as of now will probably remain his only blood-grandchild, so I’m anxious for them to be close.  I guess I’ll add that to my secret Christmas list. 
In other news, yesterday work was slow, but went quickly.  I’m so lucky to have the co-workers I have, because I can tell them my problems and in this case, they can explain things from my dad’s point of view (as they’re older and have grandkids of their own.)  They also help me work through things to get to the heart of the matter.  They are such a blessing!  They understand and don’t judge and give new points of view.  Usually, you have to pay for help like that. LOL 
Today, we’re laying low.  Kidlet’s not feeling well, so hopefully she’ll rest more today.  My stuff is mostly done at the moment.  I’ll wait to fold laundry tonight.  Boy my life is eventful! 😉