Nuclear Fall Out

Yesterday was a hard day….it was a day I felt really lonely-really missing my family. –By that, I mean the family that doesn’t exist anymore.  I was missing my mom, but it was bigger than that.  I realized that I missed my nuclear family.  (My mom, my dad and I)  And I realized too that despite being unhealthy, dysfunctional, and corrupted, I belonged.  I really haven’t had that feeling since.  And the days I miss my mom, I mean I miss the very few days I got a real glimpse of her..usually right out of rehab.  I missed the fun that we had, and because of death, selective memory becomes easier and all those years we fought or rarely spoke or that avoided her like the plague (because of her clinical depression & alcoholism) seem to fade in remembrance of the few good times.  I know that.  
But in lieu of all this, I wish to become closer with my dad, in a relaxed friendship sort of way.  I know despite my age that I will always be his little girl and he will always be my dad, but after 27 years I think I’ve also earned some friendship thrown in there.–Sometime to forget our roles and enjoy each other as we are.  I guess I’m craving this more than usual because he is the only link I have left to the roots I miss and he is the only parent I have left. 
I wrote him an e-mail explaining this yesterday.  I have yet to get a reply, but I know this is a busy week for him, so we shall see. 
In the meantime, I also know I need to work on letting all this go.  The only thing that’s preventing that at the moment is this void I feel.  I guess I find myself desperately wanting to fill it (at least a little) with something so I can be the best person I can. (as in Wife, Mother and Friend)  Most days, letting go isn’t a big struggle–yesterday I just fell down I guess.  You win some and you lose some.  *shrug*
I did finally get a chance to work on my art last night.  I have a lot more to do, but somehow, the little I did get done was some pretty good therapy in lieu if a pretty bad day. 

Paper Beads I Started on...They need more work yet

Paper Beads I Started on...They need more work yet

 

The new canvas I started. (Also needs more work) I was in a Sci-Fi mood-which is odd for me.

The new canvas I started. (Also needs more work) I was in a Sci-Fi mood-which is odd for me.

I’m sure you noticed one of the Dragon Fly-like things has it’s head ripped off.  That was compliments of kidlet.  The head was found and is being repaired at the moment.  Oh well.  It’ll still work.

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Earth-Toned Hate Mail

Today was productive.  Grocery shopping, 2 loads of laundry washed and dried, 4 loads folded and put away, kitchen floor swept and mopped, living room vacuumed, bed made, bathroom picked up, and I even voted.  I’ll take that gold star now…thanks!
I got to thinking while I was cleaning, of WHY I clean…and that answer is actually quite selfish.  I mean kidlet could care less what the house looks like, and Hubby is at work most of the day, so I guess I clean for me.  Only when my list of chores is done, do I feel calm and like I accomplished something.  Unfortunately, the 5 mins it remains clean before getting dirty again (after all, we have a toddler) usually gets missed, but at least I know I did it. 
Back last year I had got one of these necklaces: http://www.beadforlifestore.org/servlet/Detail?no=20&sfs=176b4938.  I got it in Earth tones and I LOVED it!  Unfortunately, the plastic closure-clasp cracked on it and I can’t wear it anymore.  I was heavily debating getting a new one as I wore it everyday, but I think that I will try to make my own.  Granted, I know as I write this I have great intentions, but it’s about timing over here…as in when finding time to do it.  But, hopefully I will be able to make time real soon.  I miss that necklace so much!
Yesterday work actually picked up as we had a couple of funerals and our fall bulbs FINALLY came in.  We got some Daff Bulbs called “Peeping Toms” this year….kinda creepy if you ask me.  We had an elderly gentleman come in and spent quite a bit of time debating over what flowers to get his brothers, sister and mother.  We looked at each other silently wondering “His mom is still alive?”  It was later in the conversation that revealed that me meant Mother Mary, and that it was around her birthday.  Furthermore, he told us that he used to know the exact age of Mother Mary.  I mean no disrespect in any by saying this (as I, myself am Catholic) but isn’t that a bit like knowing the exact age of Santa Claus?  (In which case I guess I mean St. Nicholas who actually did exist.–okay, I’m trying to talk my out of getting hate mail here.  It’s taking too much of my energy, so let me have it I guess.)