Turning Over a New Leaf :)

I apologize for my lapse in blogging, but my world has taken off and I figured what a better day to catch up than this.
I’ve done a lot of work on myself after realizing the lack of control we have of others, and I’ve finally made this astonishing  transition from the part of my life where I live up to other standards and what they think I should do, to living up to my standards and that of my family.  The change has been amazingly joyous as I finally have the self-respect to cut drama out of my life.  There for a while my ego was doing everything it could to suck me in and cause pain, and I’ve finally said, “Enough!”  It seems to have changed everything in my life for the better.   I now respect myself and my family enough to put up boundaries in relationships where there’s a need.  I live by “what you see is what you get” and I expect the same from others. In realizing this, I found some relationships in my life where words said one thing and the actions were another.  I’m better than this.  I deserve better than this.
Apparently I must be doing something right as I’m so much less stressed & conflicted (unless it comes to our calender and deadlines at the moment), new/old relationships with past friends have arisen and are wonderful, my husband and I argue less and when we do argue, it’s solved with an “I’m sorry” and an understanding that both of us had a bad moment.–There’s no re-hashing who-said-what-to-hurt-who etc.  Our luck too has drastically turned around, and I honestly couldn’t ask for more right now.
Kidlet is thriving too.  I will not deny her any relationships with anyone granted those relationships are honest and loving, and I’m happy to say she has that in her life right now.–Abundantly!  I know I’m biased but she’s the best thing since sliced bread and I am honored to be her mother.
I wake up right now literally feeling  joy everyday.  This is the first time in my life I can say that.  There is so much to be said for newfound self-respect.
In new Business/Knitting news:  I’m on the home stretch of my knitting orders.  I have 10 ornaments left and the base of one hat and flowers for 3 hats to do and then my hands can rest for a bit.  I can’t believe how this has taken off!  My new business “Launch” of-sorts will be Nov.  21st-22nd when my ornaments hit the sales floor of the shop I work in.  Granted-I don’t have a website yet to back this up, but I need inventory for that, so I’m setting a tentative goal of Feb. 1st to sell on-line and launch the website.
I do have new pics to share of product:

24 Sweater Ornaments
24 Sweater Ornaments

24 Hat ornaments
24 Hat ornaments

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Me, Flawed?

“Be patient towards all that is unresolved in you and try to love the questions themselves, like locked rooms, like books that are written in a very foreign tongue.  Live the questions now.” –Rainer Maria Rilke

Today started as a very “off-day” for me.  Since last night I had been battling this feeling in the pit of my stomach that said something was wrong and it wouldn’t tell me what, let alone how to fix it.   As the feeling grew stronger, I got crankier.  It wasn’t pretty. 
But, that’s what friends are for.  And through talking it out I realized it was my darkest flaw of constantly wanting change that was bugging me.  Also, through further discussion I also realized that I wasn’t alone in having this flaw, and as we all know, just simply knowing that you’re not alone, can make your darkest flaw a bit lighter. 
Truth be known, I don’t have a lot of close friends, but those I do have more than make up for the lack of “quantity.”  Thank you.
Otherwise, things are quiet here for the moment, which in my world, is always good news.  I’m sure another story is sitting someplace just waiting to happen.   I’ll keep you posted.

Into Every Life a Crap-Load of Rain Must Fall

It’s been a rough few days for me here.  There’s been a little family drama, and with that, a pretty bad day of missing my mom (even though she passed 4 1/2 years ago.)  I think it was all worth it–meaning the family situation should improve, and it feels really good not to be holding anything in anymore.   Today is better, but I’m still pretty tired from it all.  Yesterday was the lowest I’ve been in a  really long time.  Today is a new day and the past doesn’t dictate the future.  Time to move on.
In other news, we’re waiting for our check to come in for our down payment on our new car and as soon as it does, we’ll go an get it.  It’s been a long few weeks of getting it all worked out, but I don’t mind.  In my world, the anticipation is half the fun of the event itself.  It’s been nice feeling really excited about something, it’s been awhile since that’s happened too.  
As I write this, it’s an hour before we get our mail and see whether the check is here or not.  If it is, it means a trip to Wausau this afternoon to get the car.  In which case, I should be more ready than I am at present, so I better go fix that.  I’ll write more later.

Nuclear Fall Out

Yesterday was a hard day….it was a day I felt really lonely-really missing my family. –By that, I mean the family that doesn’t exist anymore.  I was missing my mom, but it was bigger than that.  I realized that I missed my nuclear family.  (My mom, my dad and I)  And I realized too that despite being unhealthy, dysfunctional, and corrupted, I belonged.  I really haven’t had that feeling since.  And the days I miss my mom, I mean I miss the very few days I got a real glimpse of her..usually right out of rehab.  I missed the fun that we had, and because of death, selective memory becomes easier and all those years we fought or rarely spoke or that avoided her like the plague (because of her clinical depression & alcoholism) seem to fade in remembrance of the few good times.  I know that.  
But in lieu of all this, I wish to become closer with my dad, in a relaxed friendship sort of way.  I know despite my age that I will always be his little girl and he will always be my dad, but after 27 years I think I’ve also earned some friendship thrown in there.–Sometime to forget our roles and enjoy each other as we are.  I guess I’m craving this more than usual because he is the only link I have left to the roots I miss and he is the only parent I have left. 
I wrote him an e-mail explaining this yesterday.  I have yet to get a reply, but I know this is a busy week for him, so we shall see. 
In the meantime, I also know I need to work on letting all this go.  The only thing that’s preventing that at the moment is this void I feel.  I guess I find myself desperately wanting to fill it (at least a little) with something so I can be the best person I can. (as in Wife, Mother and Friend)  Most days, letting go isn’t a big struggle–yesterday I just fell down I guess.  You win some and you lose some.  *shrug*
I did finally get a chance to work on my art last night.  I have a lot more to do, but somehow, the little I did get done was some pretty good therapy in lieu if a pretty bad day. 

Paper Beads I Started on...They need more work yet

Paper Beads I Started on...They need more work yet

 

The new canvas I started. (Also needs more work) I was in a Sci-Fi mood-which is odd for me.

The new canvas I started. (Also needs more work) I was in a Sci-Fi mood-which is odd for me.

I’m sure you noticed one of the Dragon Fly-like things has it’s head ripped off.  That was compliments of kidlet.  The head was found and is being repaired at the moment.  Oh well.  It’ll still work.

They Deep Fry BACON Now?????

I should be in bed. I’m not. And I’m sure I’ll feel it tomorrow.  I’m one of those people that needs lots of sleep. 
Instead, I’m sitting here eating cereal watching a show on the Travel Channel about fried food.  Somehow, this is my life, and I’m great with it.  Did you know they batter and deep fry bacon now???  It’s wrong on so many levels….
I do have a new object of lust in my life.  Meet ‘Rainbow’

Blc. Lawless Zauberflote ‘Rainbow’

Gorgeous, isn’t she?  I think I may have to have her.  (Greedy aren’t I?)

This morning: Sorry, I got a fatal error last night and didn’t care to go back.   Instead, I went to bed, but still didn’t fall asleep till 11:00.  Damn you, Mt. Dew!
Kidlet woke up at 4:30a.m.  Although she didn’t stay awake, I woke up bargaining with God saying, “Don’t you think 4:30a.m. is a LITTLE excessive to have the sun start coming up?”  I quickly followed it with a chorus of “What do I know?  I’m just the little guy.” –So I don’t have to worry about getting hit by lightning today.
I fell asleep with a strong new idea in my head.  “What is love?”  I realized love is when you send your hubby to the store with “cups” and “dental floss” on the list and he comes back with cups in your favorite color and the exact brand and flavor of dental floss you use.  It’s the small stuff.  It’s letting me sleep in at least one day during the weekend.  It’s making supper most nights.  It’s him going garage saleing to a few sales I can’t make on a Friday morning because I have to work.  I went to sleep last night realizing that I’m pretty damn lucky.  I also went to sleep grateful that I realized this without something bad happening first to trigger it.  I don’t say it enough…thank you.
On a completely different note….we got a bag-less vacuum cleaner.  I’m not sure about it.  With pets in the house it’s a bit like spinning really dirty cotton candy.  It works great, I just don’t like touching the result.  Hmmm….
Okay, off to start my day.  My chores are mostly done at least.   Lots of rain expected tonight.  I love rain. 

Home Sweet Home

Today there was a Baby Shower for my God Son that brought me back to my hometown.  I got in early and stopped by my parents.  We had a nice time visiting and then it was off to the Shower.  That also was a good time, even though Kidlet wanted to spend the majority of it walking (with my help.)  I found out she likes pineapple, blueberries and cantaloupe today.  (Thanks Buffet!)
The best part of my day was the drive right after that back through my hometown.  It drew up feelings of Homesickness for the 1st time since I left in 2002.  My heart is telling I belong back there.  That’s a welcome feeling considering my husband is open to the idea in a couple of years.  We’ll need a couple of years to prepare anyway.  What I’m even more excited about is how my heart/gut is leading me to new ideas, new goals and new dreams.  Furthermore, I’m excited that my gut is telling me it’s obtainable. 
On the same note, I’m getting a phone call tomorrow on this subject. (More details to come later.)  Look out future!  Here I come!
“Some believe in Destiny and some believe in Fate.  I believe that Happiness is something we Create.  You best believe I’m not gonna wait!” -Sugarland

Into Every Life a Little Rain Must Fall

Today makes 4 years since my mom passed.  It’s not a subject I talk about much.  Frankly, there’s not much to tell.  Surprisingly even after 4 years today got to me. 
For those that don’t know, my mom suffered from Clinical Depression and Alcoholism all my life.  We never had a real relationship and I have no idea who my “real mom” ever was.   There was 23 years of very hard times, but it was days like these that I can only seem to remember her large happy glazed eyes first thing in the morning, or her waiting by the kitchen table full of presents every morning of my Birthday.  Those are the brief moments I miss.  It was those fleeting moments that I got a glimpse of what having a “normal mom” was like. 
My mom called a day before her death and left a message begging for me to call her.  She was in the midst of a move from an apartment in which she had lived for 8 years into a different place.  I callously brushed her off promising that I would call her when she was moved in.  I never got that chance. 
My mom knew her fate.  She yelled at her brother and parents for trying to unpack her things.  She wanted them left.  She had other things planned.  She always made a bid deal out of Birthdays.  My Grandma’s Birthday was right around the corner.  She apologized to my Grandma citing previous years when my mom had made a cake and they celebrated together.  She told my Grandma that she wasn’t going to be around for that year’s celebration, and again she apologized.  My Grandma didn’t think much of it thinking that my mom must have an appointment that day and wouldn’t be able to come up.  Mom’s wake was on Grandma’s Birthday. 
The weight of the world topped with a forced move, a mental illness and alcoholism got to be too much for my mom to handle after 23 years.  She decided that night that she would take a bottle of tranquilizers, a bottle of blood pressure lowering meds and wash it down with a bottle of alcohol.  She fixed her hair and laid down on the living room floor to drift off to “sleep.”
It was my Grandparents that found her the next day after they had tried to call and there was no answer.  My mom had meant for a Social Worker to find her as she had an appt. with one at 10:00 the next morning. 
I don’t write this looking for pity.  Even though my mom committed suicide, I know that she was supposed to “go home.”  If God didn’t want her, he wouldn’t have taken her.  Simple as that.  Further more, I know she’s in heaven, because even despite the hell she lived, she never lost focus of God–even when He didn’t “answer” her prayers and cure her.  She never lost her faith…just her way. 
What I’m left with on rare days like these is a sense of longing.  I long a sense of closure in the torrentialy tumultuous relationship she and I had.  I long for a hug from her to know that we’re okay.  None of those things got resolved and maybe that’s what hurts if anything….not having that last minute to at least end things neutrally…even if that means to agree to disagree.  If there’s any wish in my heart.  That would be it.
Finally, am I mad?  No.  I want the best for my mom.  Under these circumstances, her death was probably it.  I don’t mean to sound harsh. I just mean that it’s the relief from the hell she lived for so many years, and regardles of how she died, she earned that.  She deserves that. 
So Mom, wherever you are.  I still love you.  I always will.  And I hope the next time I see you we can spent sometime together and I can get to know the “real” you.

Ack.

Having a moment of Loneliness.  I hate this feeling.  It creeps in when I remember that we live in an area widely inhabited with post retirement-aged people and the closest bar closes at 10:00p.m. because they can’t stay awake past 8:00p.m.  
I’ve lived here almost 6 years now and still don’t have anyone around my age to go have drinks with or shop with or catch a movie with.  I love my hubby, but that doesn’t count as a actual “friend” does it?
Luckily, he and I are considering a move back to my hometown (Medford, WI) in about 3 years from now.  Granted, it’s all talk at this point, but if the move did happen our Social Life will improve by 1,000%.  That would be nice.
Off to bed for me for now.  Hey, when you live in Post Retirement-Rome you do as the Romans do.  Now.  Where did I put my teeth?