This 30 thing ain’t so bad!

For months I’ve been ganged up with everyone else on this band-wagon of self-loathing over turning 30 next month.  At a point I was so wrapped up in it I couldn’t see how I was growing and how ready for it I really am.
Even as recently as earlier this year I was so desperate  to find something…(along the lines of “the grass is always greener”-than from where you are), that I would allow people to pick me and mold me into their lives just how they wanted me.  To keep me in their pocket until it was convenient for them, and when they needed me for a pitty party or were lonely themselves, I would bend over backwards  and move everything in my life to be there for them.  All in hopes that they couldn’t help but to like me more and my life would be better.  It wasn’t.
On the bad days I was still alone, on the good days too.  And I realized all my “hard work” had been for not.
I recently was asked to be put in that position once again, and this time something snapped in me, and everything became crystal clear.  This illusion that we all have been chasing in our twenties for self-discovery, for being good enough…dare I say pursuing lives worthy of being bragged about, has all lead each and everyone one of us to compromise ourselves somehow.
I think most of us by this time have figured out that it’s not about “finding” ourselves;  it’s about “making” ourselves.  We can be anyone we want to be, and our heart will lead the way to being who we’re supposed to be.   That being said, I’m done with the “am I where I am SUPPOSED to be by now?” –When someone finds that map with the big red “X” on it designated the place one “should be”, I’ll maybe take an interest.  However, for now, I’m not on the street, I’m not smoking crack and I don’t have a record.  In my world, that’s good!
I’m also done being wrapped up in image and being a perfect size.  I’m a size 14.  I will stay a size 14. (How’s that for self-confidence?) I’m not the thinnest by any means, but my blood pressure is spot on, my cholesterol is good and above all I’m healthy.  Since when isn’t that good enough?
And with all these realizations, I’m simply to the conclusion that I’m better than molding to fit anyone else.  I’m better than altering myself to make someone else like me more, when in the end they’re not liking the real me anyway.
And my best realization?  The grass isn’t greener on the other side.  The world is full of people that just care about and are only out for themselves and what they can gain.  It’s best realized that the only people that are out for you are already there.  We owe it to them to return the favor.
Finally, I’d like to re-write the brochure on turning 30.  If all this self-growth comes with that number, and had I know that sooner, I would have been far more excited to reach 3-0 instead of dreading it.

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