Deep Thoughts

Theres been a lot on my mind as of recent.  A lot surprisingly having to do with my mother, her passing and lessons learned from it.  It’s been just over 6 years since she committed suicide, and as awful as it may be to say, the lessons I have taken from it have been in there own–a huge blessing.
The biggest lesson I have taken away has been to no longer keep feelings inside to avoid risk of embarrassment.   The trauma of having so many questions after my mom passed, has really pushed me to make sure that no one has any questions about me if I were to go tomorrow.   It’s not an easy thing to do, but not having to carry anything around (“emotional baggage”) and to be able to be me is a greater gift in the end.  It’s also a chance to learn about others.  To perhaps see someone you thought you knew well respond in a way that show their true colors (good or bad.)
I believe I sit here stronger.  FINALLY coming into my own. –Talk about a “Late Bloomer.”  Finally not afraid to be ME, to take a chance, to rock a boat, to try new things and not fear the failure.  Finally….at almost “30” am I the confident person I’m proud to love, and proud to show others.
………Thank You, Mom.
I of course don’t know why my mom died when she did –as in the “there’s a reason for everything” sense.  I have a few theories….God, thought after roughly 22 years of suffering that it was time to grant her mercy, or perhaps our lives were created to entangle in such a way that through her passing it showed me these necessary lessons to become who I am.    Maybe both.  And if the later is true, my purpose now is to live in such a way that her life and death wasn’t in vain.  I at least owe her that.
As hard as it is to admit, or as wrong as it sounds, I have learned far more from her death than I believe I would have had she not.  If she were still here, we would most likely still be estranged.  I would still not be able to decipher between her alcoholism & depression and her, I would still not care to try.  I’m not idiot, I know this.  Am I glad she’s gone?  Never.   I just know that I would not have grown as a person in my relationship with her.    It would have been a dead end.
There has also been some recent passings of some young people lately which has gotten me thinking, as it usually does all of us, what would they say about me after I’m gone?…which also lead to another question wondering if they publish curse words in obits… hmmmm…..
I would hope mine would at least include a few things like:

She leaves behind her soulmate, Elvis, who she’s convinced is the best match in the world for her.  No one else could understand, laugh with, and love her as completely as he did.   She also leaves behind the greatest kid in the world, Grace.   She was the luckiest Mom in the world to be blessed with such an outstanding daughter in every way.  There wasn’t a day that Grace didn’t make her proud.
Kate wishes to be remembered for her laughter.  Humor was her core survival skill in life.  It got her through the toughest moments, the most awkward moments, the most boring moments.  There wasn’t a situation that she couldn’t find something to laugh about and she wouldn’t have had it any other way.
Her biggest lesson out of life was to not hold back.  To let others know how she felt.  To give nothing but her genuine self to everyone and everything.  To not know how to be anything else but herself, and to leave no questions for anyone else.  She lived to be a true version of “what you see is what you get.”
She loved completely, laughed hard, played hard.  She loved life and thanked her lucky stars everyday for her family and friends.  They were all that mattered..ever.

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