Today was….well terrible.  Sorry.  Work has been so slow.  All of us have been laid off various days, which cuts into our paychecks.   I just keep remembering that I still have a job, and that seems to make it better.  My co-worker not only broke her shoulder last week, but her husband had a coronary and is not doing well.  I had an 85 year old woman come in and apply for a job today because she lost hers.  There has not been much good news today.
I’m just coming back from class where we did positive visualization….only mine didn’t turn out so positive.  We were told to envision the new, fit us: what it felt like, the confidence derived from it, the happiness….and with that I realized that this mission I’m on still won’t lead me to ultimate happiness.  Yes, I’ll feel better and look better, but when our instructor said: “Envision feeling like you can accomplish anything,” my mind asked what I wanted to accomplish and I didn’t get an answer. 
I sit here frustrated tonight.  I’ve started this overall mission of choosing new goals and accomplishing them, but none of them are leaving me feeling satisfied.  You can bet I’ll finish this road to a healthier me, but it pains me to know that I will most likely still not see myself differently.  I still won’t be truly happy, truly satisfied…..and what frustrates me the most is that I don’t have the answer to what will. 
After every adventure I’ve had, every course I’ve taken, every memory I’ve made…..I’m still truly at square one, and I’m feeling so very selfish for that fact.  I’m blessed with so much, yet here I sit terribly thinking “it’s not enough.”  Crap.


1 Comment

  1. Teressa Flye said,

    February 3, 2009 at 9:48 am

    Patience, my little Jonathan Livingston Seagull, patience…you’ll find your answer eventually. Stop worrying so much about getting to the end of the road and enjoy the trip along the way…every sweating, grunting minute of it.

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