Is It Spring Yet?

It’s been awhile since my l ast post, but here is the update.  I’m still living at the gym and have dropped a total of 10 lbs. and a pant size so far.  Of course, I’m hoping to do more, but I guess there’s something called patience that I have to have as well.  Bah.
Otherwise, things have been quiet here.  Kidlet is doing amazingly and surprising us everyday with something new.  Today she sang an OAR song on the way to Day Care.  Who knew? 
Work has still been slow, but I keep focussing on the idea that I still have a job and I’m grateful for that.  Spring is just around the corner (hopefully) and that will mean better times.
I have a hauge case of Spring Fever.  I’m already talking to Hubby about scheduling things for Sept. (as we don’t get to have much of a life during summer with Camp.)  The vegetable garden is all planned out and the shopping list of supplies is made.  Sad, I know.
Oh, and I also think it’s terribly wrong that U2 drops a new album and no tour????????  REALLY??  THAT’S NOT RIGHT I TELL YOU…..Not right at all!!!!!!!
We got our Federal Tax money today, so I’ve been sorting through bills looking for things to pay off.  Wow, that’s odd…looking for bills to pay.  Hmmm….I think I need help. 
I’m sorry things aren’t more eventful at the moment, but winter’s tend to be that way around here.  I’m still up at 5:00 or 6:00a.m. headed to the gym most everyday.  Pain and yelling are now my 2 best friends….Yikes.

My Winter of Discontent

Ahhh, another V-Day survived in the Floral Shop.  Granted this one was a lot slower than any in my memory.  When V-Day falls on a weekend it’s usually slower for Florists anyway, but couple that with the economy and it was down all the way around.  All we can do is hope next year is better.
With down business means lack of stories this year.  I usually have a good tale or two about guys sending to multiple girlfriends or any other number of creepy events, but no such luck this year.  Oh well.

I’m frying a bigger fish in my life right now.  And I sit here angry at myself.  I have a really great life.  A wonderful husband, a beautiful little girl, a roof over our head, and I still sit with a void in my life.  I don’t know what it is, but the feeling of this empty hole in the pit of my stomach is eating me alive.  I’m restless 24/7 and always feeling like I should be working on something bigger, but I have no idea what that something is. 
On the other hand, I sit here yelling at myself.  How dare I ask for more when so many have less.  How dare I not feel satisfied.  How dare I want more.  How selfish of me. 

I have tomorrow off and think I will spend my day here at this computer, looking up charities or projects that are bigger than me that might offer a shot at filling this void.  Maybe, just maybe I’ll get lucky and get an answer.  A girl can only hope.

Friday the 13th Came Early. Trust Me.

It’s been a very busy few days here.  Friday at work was just STRANGE.  First, I had a guy come in the shop and ask to use the phone.  It wasn’t until he was ON the phone that I over-heard “Yeah, I just got out of jail.  You still got that ride for me?”  Wonderful.   Dear God, I wanted to go out with a bang, but like this?  Figures.
I then fielded a call from one of the local funeral home directors who opened with “Do you have one of them, there Singing Valentine’s?”  Not knowing who it was I politely replied “We sure do,” and it was then that he revealed himself and told me that he was just kidding.  He proceeded to place an order for an upcoming funeral and when I asked for the last name of the deceased he says, “Butt. B-U-T-T.”  I didn’t say a word as I squelched a giggle.  It just figures that the name was the one thing he WASN’T kidding about. 
Saturday brought kidlet’s 2nd Birthday Party.  It’s true that her birthday isn’t until this week, but with V-Day falling on a Saturday this year and I working in a Floral Shop, it worked better to have it early this year.  We enjoyed family and friends, and it was a great afternoon.  Kidlet had a blast of her own seeing everyone.  It’s so hard to believe she’s 2 already!
On a different note, I’ve been blessed to have some former friends cross my path again.  I’m so happy to hear from them and get in touch with their lives.  It’s astonishing how fast time flies!
Otherwise, I’ve been living at the gym.  Friday was my day OFF of working out and it figures that I spent that whole morning trying to figure out when I could squeeze another workout in.  Sure enough, 6:45a.m. Sat. morning where was I?  In the gym parking lot waiting for it to open.  Yeah, I don’t know what’s happened to me either.
This week brings 5 more hours at the gym, and an additional day of work this week with Valentine’s Day.   It’s this holiday that always brings interesting stories.  I’ll be sure to share.

Crap.

Today was….well terrible.  Sorry.  Work has been so slow.  All of us have been laid off various days, which cuts into our paychecks.   I just keep remembering that I still have a job, and that seems to make it better.  My co-worker not only broke her shoulder last week, but her husband had a coronary and is not doing well.  I had an 85 year old woman come in and apply for a job today because she lost hers.  There has not been much good news today.
I’m just coming back from class where we did positive visualization….only mine didn’t turn out so positive.  We were told to envision the new, fit us: what it felt like, the confidence derived from it, the happiness….and with that I realized that this mission I’m on still won’t lead me to ultimate happiness.  Yes, I’ll feel better and look better, but when our instructor said: “Envision feeling like you can accomplish anything,” my mind asked what I wanted to accomplish and I didn’t get an answer. 
I sit here frustrated tonight.  I’ve started this overall mission of choosing new goals and accomplishing them, but none of them are leaving me feeling satisfied.  You can bet I’ll finish this road to a healthier me, but it pains me to know that I will most likely still not see myself differently.  I still won’t be truly happy, truly satisfied…..and what frustrates me the most is that I don’t have the answer to what will. 
After every adventure I’ve had, every course I’ve taken, every memory I’ve made…..I’m still truly at square one, and I’m feeling so very selfish for that fact.  I’m blessed with so much, yet here I sit terribly thinking “it’s not enough.”  Crap.