And I Find Myself On The Couch Once Again

“To be nobody but myself–in a world which is doing it’s best, night and day, to make me somebody else–means to fight the hardest battle any human can fight, and never stop fighting.” — E.E. Cummings

I think I found a new motto.  Maybe I should get it tattooed on my forhead…nah…too many words, but it’s a thought.  It’s sums up the battle I kind of feel everyday.  Whether it’s at work, or friends.  Granted, I get a lot of strange looks when I voice my perspective, but there are so many social norms that I would just love to bust through like a football team through a banner.  But, I’ll behave.  I’m still going to continue beng me if it kills me though. 
Speaking of me, I’ve been all over the place lately.  I need to anchor myself again..get back to reality.  Tell myself where I belong in life instead of living in where I think I should be.  I guess this is true moreso in personal relationships rather than work at the moment.  I welcome work lately.  Everything is so clear-cut there.  No guesswork, no wishing, but still use of creativity.  Ironically, it’s my safe place for my mind lately. I’m just so restless.  There’s a huge part of me tonight that would love to get up and just go out on my own.  I haven’t had this feeling before.  It’s in no disrespect of my family or kidlet, and it’s not because anything is wrong.  It just feels like my soul literally wants to jump out of my body and take the open road to nowhere or to everywhere.  At this moment, I’m missing my usual secure sense of self, and I’m not a fan of this feeling.–And I sit here desperately trying to figure it out, I think I just have.  I feel empty inside right now because I’ve been seeking approval, permission, love and peices of other people that they can’t give me.  And because it’s not right, I’ve been denying myself.  Let me see if I can explain this better:
“Women have to overcome thier fear of not being liked.  “It’s a choice we have to make between being good–quiet enough, thin enough, pretty enough, pleasant enough, good enough–and being great.” 
“Give into the river [of life].  Fully embrace it and flow with it because it knows what you should be doing.  Move with it without trying to stop the boat so people can admire you and like you, so they can say “You’re good, you’re smart, you’re pretty, I give you permission.”  Keep moving, keep seeing, keep knowing, and keep saying what you know to be your truth, without needing or looking for the admiration of others.”
“You are good.  You are beautiful.  You are smart.  Give yourself permission.” –“Life is a Verb” Patti Digh p.106
–That’s exactly it!  I’ve stopped my boat too long and I feel like I’m drowning.  It’s time to keep moving, to stop fighting the current and trying to go to shore.  It’s time to trust where it’s going to take me.  It’s time to know that everything I’m seeking from others is already in me.  It’s time to once again trust that whatever is meant to happen will.  I’ve forgotten that.  I’ve been busy with my own agenda.  I guess this is the sock in the gut I needed. 
The good thing about this moment?  I can go to bed tonight once again feeling whole.  I’ve really missed that feeling recently.   This does not mean I’m paying WordPress for therapy time.  Sorry.


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