A Difficult Reminder

Yesterday work was slow, and long.  But, I discovered that one on my co-workers thought the words to “Proud Mary” were “ROWING down the River.”  That kept us entertained for a few hours.  We also had the semi-usual task of chasing a chipmunk through the store.  But otherwise, not much to report on the work front.
My personal life is rocky at the moment.  I’m a firm believer that if you’re not happy with something in your life, that you change it.  Life is too short to just “settle.”  I’ve already settled enough in my life prior to this.  I don’t deserve to “settle” anymore.  So, down to work Hubby and I got.  For 2 long days.  It started with an argument that we have this time every year of how much camp sucks him in and how much we (his family) gets the scattered remains of the man when he GETS to come home.  Some would say, “Well, that’s just life.”  I don’t agree.  Since my mom passed in 2004, I live more with a sense of urgency than I had before.  I live with the idea of “what if this is my last day” more in the front of my mind than normal (not out of the fear of death, but the fear of regret.)  It’s a curse, but also a blessing, because it gives me strength to say things, to do things, to squish regrets, to work hard and to play hard.  I wouldn’t change it.  I consider it a gift. 
It’s also this strength that allows me to stick to my perspective of life and negotiate with my husband that he take 8 hours off a week to be with kidlet and I.  We also negotiated that his radio (communication device for camp) be turned off more at home, and we (his family) remain at the same priority level during these 10 weeks of hell that we are in the off-season.  I don’t ask too much.  I ask enough so that he can relish in his daughter’s life and family unity.  I like to think I ask just enough so that if today were his last day (God forbid) he wouldn’t be kicking himself.  As the famous line goes, “No one on their death bed ever says “I wish I had worked more.””
All in all, I’m proud of myself.  For sticking to my guns, for not settling, for not just “Taking it.”  I’m proud of myself too because I know that if this world I live in would come crumbling down, I’m strong enough to survive.  I’m strong enough to start over.  No matter what, I’m strong enough to be me.  These past 2 days has shown me that.  It’s a nice reminder.
After all of this, please don’t think that I’m ungrateful for my husband.  It’s quite the opposite.  I’m grateful of how hard he does work for us.  The remainder 42 weeks of the year, we are a great match for each other.  It all boils down to as hard as he works, it’s that work-a-holic that leaves us in the dust during these 10 weeks.  And it that issue that I value my daughter and myself enough to fight for. 
I’m hoping that after all of this, this will be the last year we have to argue about this.  Not necessarily that he get a different job, but more that he retains us a top priority next year and that the changes we’re making now hold through to next year.  I guess time will tell. 

On a different topic. My Best Friend has surgery today to remove a tumor.  I’ll be going to take care of her tomorrow.  I should be back tomorrow night.  I’m looking forward to it, actually.  It will be a great chance for us to reconnect.

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4 Comments

  1. AnnOhio said,

    July 22, 2008 at 9:41 am

    It took me close to 50 years to understand and realize these things…damn you continue to inspire and amaze me!

  2. leoness18 said,

    July 22, 2008 at 9:56 am

    thats the spirit my dear….you only live once and you’ve got to make the most of it…this is inspiring!

  3. July 22, 2008 at 3:51 pm

    Oh what a good post. And for so many reasons. First of all, I agree with you on being happy, and not settling. I agree with you on a stance that we only go around once, and we need to make the most of it. I agree with you on not allowing others to hurt us, directly or indirectly.

    I do want to add one thing. Men, especially men with SAHMs, feel a tremendous amount of pressure to be The Provider. They often work hard, harder than they “should” to ensure their continued success in the role. They sometimes miss events and opportunities with the very family they are working so hard to provide and keep in the lifestyle they’re accustomed.

    While I agree it’s important to keep an even keel, it’s important to recognize when he’s doing this not because he rather be there, but because he feels he NEEDS to be there. He may feel pressure to perform, especially during this busy, crunch season, at the highest level possible. He may feel if he doesnt, he will lose his job, and ability to be The Provider.

    So, never settle, but also be sure there arent other forces at work.

  4. kbauman80 said,

    July 22, 2008 at 4:01 pm

    @mmWine: Thany you so much for that comment. I’ve been trying to find a way to get a glimpse of his perspective and you just gave it to me. I understand better now. THANK YOU!


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