This 30 thing ain’t so bad!

For months I’ve been ganged up with everyone else on this band-wagon of self-loathing over turning 30 next month.  At a point I was so wrapped up in it I couldn’t see how I was growing and how ready for it I really am.
Even as recently as earlier this year I was so desperate  to find something…(along the lines of “the grass is always greener”-than from where you are), that I would allow people to pick me and mold me into their lives just how they wanted me.  To keep me in their pocket until it was convenient for them, and when they needed me for a pitty party or were lonely themselves, I would bend over backwards  and move everything in my life to be there for them.  All in hopes that they couldn’t help but to like me more and my life would be better.  It wasn’t.
On the bad days I was still alone, on the good days too.  And I realized all my “hard work” had been for not.
I recently was asked to be put in that position once again, and this time something snapped in me, and everything became crystal clear.  This illusion that we all have been chasing in our twenties for self-discovery, for being good enough…dare I say pursuing lives worthy of being bragged about, has all lead each and everyone one of us to compromise ourselves somehow.
I think most of us by this time have figured out that it’s not about “finding” ourselves;  it’s about “making” ourselves.  We can be anyone we want to be, and our heart will lead the way to being who we’re supposed to be.   That being said, I’m done with the “am I where I am SUPPOSED to be by now?” –When someone finds that map with the big red “X” on it designated the place one “should be”, I’ll maybe take an interest.  However, for now, I’m not on the street, I’m not smoking crack and I don’t have a record.  In my world, that’s good!
I’m also done being wrapped up in image and being a perfect size.  I’m a size 14.  I will stay a size 14. (How’s that for self-confidence?) I’m not the thinnest by any means, but my blood pressure is spot on, my cholesterol is good and above all I’m healthy.  Since when isn’t that good enough?
And with all these realizations, I’m simply to the conclusion that I’m better than molding to fit anyone else.  I’m better than altering myself to make someone else like me more, when in the end they’re not liking the real me anyway.
And my best realization?  The grass isn’t greener on the other side.  The world is full of people that just care about and are only out for themselves and what they can gain.  It’s best realized that the only people that are out for you are already there.  We owe it to them to return the favor.
Finally, I’d like to re-write the brochure on turning 30.  If all this self-growth comes with that number, and had I know that sooner, I would have been far more excited to reach 3-0 instead of dreading it.

Advertisements

Deep Thoughts

Theres been a lot on my mind as of recent.  A lot surprisingly having to do with my mother, her passing and lessons learned from it.  It’s been just over 6 years since she committed suicide, and as awful as it may be to say, the lessons I have taken from it have been in there own–a huge blessing.
The biggest lesson I have taken away has been to no longer keep feelings inside to avoid risk of embarrassment.   The trauma of having so many questions after my mom passed, has really pushed me to make sure that no one has any questions about me if I were to go tomorrow.   It’s not an easy thing to do, but not having to carry anything around (“emotional baggage”) and to be able to be me is a greater gift in the end.  It’s also a chance to learn about others.  To perhaps see someone you thought you knew well respond in a way that show their true colors (good or bad.)
I believe I sit here stronger.  FINALLY coming into my own. –Talk about a “Late Bloomer.”  Finally not afraid to be ME, to take a chance, to rock a boat, to try new things and not fear the failure.  Finally….at almost “30” am I the confident person I’m proud to love, and proud to show others.
………Thank You, Mom.
I of course don’t know why my mom died when she did –as in the “there’s a reason for everything” sense.  I have a few theories….God, thought after roughly 22 years of suffering that it was time to grant her mercy, or perhaps our lives were created to entangle in such a way that through her passing it showed me these necessary lessons to become who I am.    Maybe both.  And if the later is true, my purpose now is to live in such a way that her life and death wasn’t in vain.  I at least owe her that.
As hard as it is to admit, or as wrong as it sounds, I have learned far more from her death than I believe I would have had she not.  If she were still here, we would most likely still be estranged.  I would still not be able to decipher between her alcoholism & depression and her, I would still not care to try.  I’m not idiot, I know this.  Am I glad she’s gone?  Never.   I just know that I would not have grown as a person in my relationship with her.    It would have been a dead end.
There has also been some recent passings of some young people lately which has gotten me thinking, as it usually does all of us, what would they say about me after I’m gone?…which also lead to another question wondering if they publish curse words in obits… hmmmm…..
I would hope mine would at least include a few things like:

She leaves behind her soulmate, Elvis, who she’s convinced is the best match in the world for her.  No one else could understand, laugh with, and love her as completely as he did.   She also leaves behind the greatest kid in the world, Grace.   She was the luckiest Mom in the world to be blessed with such an outstanding daughter in every way.  There wasn’t a day that Grace didn’t make her proud.
Kate wishes to be remembered for her laughter.  Humor was her core survival skill in life.  It got her through the toughest moments, the most awkward moments, the most boring moments.  There wasn’t a situation that she couldn’t find something to laugh about and she wouldn’t have had it any other way.
Her biggest lesson out of life was to not hold back.  To let others know how she felt.  To give nothing but her genuine self to everyone and everything.  To not know how to be anything else but herself, and to leave no questions for anyone else.  She lived to be a true version of “what you see is what you get.”
She loved completely, laughed hard, played hard.  She loved life and thanked her lucky stars everyday for her family and friends.  They were all that mattered..ever.

Turning Over a New Leaf :)

I apologize for my lapse in blogging, but my world has taken off and I figured what a better day to catch up than this.
I’ve done a lot of work on myself after realizing the lack of control we have of others, and I’ve finally made this astonishing  transition from the part of my life where I live up to other standards and what they think I should do, to living up to my standards and that of my family.  The change has been amazingly joyous as I finally have the self-respect to cut drama out of my life.  There for a while my ego was doing everything it could to suck me in and cause pain, and I’ve finally said, “Enough!”  It seems to have changed everything in my life for the better.   I now respect myself and my family enough to put up boundaries in relationships where there’s a need.  I live by “what you see is what you get” and I expect the same from others. In realizing this, I found some relationships in my life where words said one thing and the actions were another.  I’m better than this.  I deserve better than this.
Apparently I must be doing something right as I’m so much less stressed & conflicted (unless it comes to our calender and deadlines at the moment), new/old relationships with past friends have arisen and are wonderful, my husband and I argue less and when we do argue, it’s solved with an “I’m sorry” and an understanding that both of us had a bad moment.–There’s no re-hashing who-said-what-to-hurt-who etc.  Our luck too has drastically turned around, and I honestly couldn’t ask for more right now.
Kidlet is thriving too.  I will not deny her any relationships with anyone granted those relationships are honest and loving, and I’m happy to say she has that in her life right now.–Abundantly!  I know I’m biased but she’s the best thing since sliced bread and I am honored to be her mother.
I wake up right now literally feeling  joy everyday.  This is the first time in my life I can say that.  There is so much to be said for newfound self-respect.
In new Business/Knitting news:  I’m on the home stretch of my knitting orders.  I have 10 ornaments left and the base of one hat and flowers for 3 hats to do and then my hands can rest for a bit.  I can’t believe how this has taken off!  My new business “Launch” of-sorts will be Nov.  21st-22nd when my ornaments hit the sales floor of the shop I work in.  Granted-I don’t have a website yet to back this up, but I need inventory for that, so I’m setting a tentative goal of Feb. 1st to sell on-line and launch the website.
I do have new pics to share of product:

24 Sweater Ornaments
24 Sweater Ornaments

24 Hat ornaments
24 Hat ornaments

Img_6939

Img_6941

Summer Breezes

I know it’s been forever since I’ve written, but everyday I’m striving to meet so many deadlines that fall in November.   But, here are the updates in my life:

Knitting:  I’M FINISHED WITH SWEATERS AND HATS (Ornaments)!!!  I’ve started the Mitten Ornaments and just have Scarves left after that.  In English; I have 46 Ornaments left to knit before November.

Miniature Hat Ornaments

Miniature Hat Ornaments

As for the children’s hats, I still have 6 of those left to knit before November as well.  No pressure…. He he. 🙂   I still can’t believe that this business (Kate’s Grace) that kind of created itself is doing so well with no pre-exisiting inventory.  I’m so blessed.

Orchids:  They are doing amazing despite my lack of attention to them lately.  Pics to prove:

Lc. Llory Ann 'Paradise'

Lc. Llory Ann 'Paradise'

Blc. Lawless Zauberflote 'Rainbow'

Blc. Lawless Zauberflote 'Rainbow'

And my Passion Flower in bloom:

Passion Flower

Passion Flower

Family:
We’ve had a very busy summer.  Because of my husband’s job we don’t get to take the tradition summer vacations, but I’ve made quite an effort to go and do something as a family every weekend just around our area.  In doing that we’ve attended a Hot Air Balloon Rally, we went to the zoo, we went Jet Skiing, we went Camping with friends, and have attended various festivals.  So, our summer has felt full and I’m happy for that.  Kidlet has loved everything that we’ve done.

Hot Air Balloon Glow

Hot Air Balloon Glow

Kidlet enjoying the festivities

Kidlet enjoying the festivities

Well, I guess that’s all from here for now.  I’m off to do some business e-mails and place some orders…and so it goes 🙂

What Did I Do?

Whoa.  I’m in a moment of feeling overwhelmed.  For anyone that knows me, you know that knitting is a serious passion of mine.  I just never expected it to explode like this.  As I’ve mentioned before I first had an order for 10 children’s hats.  I’ve finished 6 of those.  Since then, I’ve gotten an order for 2 more.  On top of those orders, my boss has put in an order for 24 sweater ornaments, 24 mitten ornaments, 24 scarf ornaments and 24 hat ornaments.  Did I mention that all of these orders need to be done by at least early November???
I’m more than happy to do the work, but I sit here frustrated because as much time as I throw at it, it is all so slow-going.  I know it’s only July but I sit here worried that I will run out of time.  Somehow I need to lose this anxiety and get back to enjoying.
In the meantime, here are some pics of what I’ve completed:

Completed sweater ornaments

Completed sweater ornaments

Close Up

Close Up

Sets of Stitch Markers I completed
Sets of Stitch Markers I completed
I guess it’s back to the grind for the moment.  I think I’ll feel better as soon as I have a big chunk of these finished.  I just wish they didn’t take so long!

Annnnnd…We’re Live

First, in knitting news, I have finally started knitting my wholesale order for 100 ornaments of various sweaters, hats, mittens and scarves.  Here is #1:

Only 99 pieces left......

Only 99 pieces left......

I also have snuck in making a 2nd set of Stitch Makers:

The 2nd set of Stitch Markers I've made.  These, I'm Keeping...

The 2nd set of Stitch Markers I've made. These, I'm Keeping...

In bigger news, we have an addition to the family.  No, I’m not pregnant….  We got a 2nd dog from the Animal Shelter on Sat. June, 27th.  He’s a 6 year old Choclate Lab named “Browning.”  The transition has been seamless.  He’s laid back, obedient, amazing with kidlet and the two dogs get along wonderfully.  It’s truly a match made in heaven.

Our New Dog, Browning

Our New Dog, Browning

Kidlet, Rowdy and Browning

Kidlet, Rowdy and Browning

2 Amigos-- Browning & Rowdy

2 Amigos-- Browning & Rowdy

Smile!

Smile!

Pics of Summer Randomness

Just thought I would write and catch up on all the goings on around here.  Of course, this is on the eve of the day where we have lost both Farrah and Michael Jackson.  Quite a day.
The news around here is far less earth-shattering but is good.   June 13th, we hit a craft sale and had a good day as a family.  June 20th, we took kidlet swimming only to find out that she wasn’t all that interested in the water.  However, we ended up meeting my sister-in-law and her kids at the same lake where they had their jet-skis and we had a blast.  Kidlet got to go out on a raft and splash around with the family.  It was the best day we’ve had in awhile.
Despite the cold temperatures we had this spring our garden is doing well.  This is the first year we’ve planted in the raised beds after having built them in the fall:

Our veggie garden 2009

Our veggie garden 2009

Kidlet too, is doing well:

Smiley!

Smiley!

Rowdy and his beloved ball

Rowdy and his beloved ball

Also, I’ve started making stitch markers:

1st Set of Stitch Markers I've Made

1st Set of Stitch Markers I've Made

I guess that’s all from here at the moment.  There is knitting to be done!

I Did it!

After a lot of nerves yesterday, I’m glad I did it….the tattoos that is.  These are my first marks not easily hidden and I really had reservations, but in the end I couldn’t be happier.  Here are the long awaited pics!

The 2 together :)

The 2 together 🙂

My Left Wrist

My Left Wrist

My Right Wrist

My Right Wrist

Getting them didn’t hurt nearly as much as I expected.  The shoulder and my lower back still take the cake are far as the most painful tattoos.  Today, they just feel like bad sunburns, and so I’m busy “gooping” 6 times a day for 4 days.  Small price to pay. 🙂
Otherwise, not too much new here.  Camp opens Sunday but we’re taking kidlet to the lake swimming tomorrow so that should be fun.   I still have A LOT of knitting to do.  At least now I have the ink to keep me motivated. 🙂

Knitting+Jewelry=Hell Yeah

I’ve been needing stitch markers for awhile now and have been searching high and low for a set that was “distinctively me” and even after the incredible section on http://www.Etsy.com, I couldn’t bring myself to buy.  So, while searching yet again yesterday, I came across this blog post and got inspired: http://www.wormspit.com/stitchmarkers.htm.
So, my new mission is looking for various charms, etc. so I can make my own.   I thought it would be a nice addition to the business…especially seeing I bought a lot of jewelry making supplies last year and still have yet to use them… I’ll let you know how they turn out.
That’s all I have for the moment.  I’m really under the weather today and just need to hope that tomorrow will be better.

Inky

As of late, I’ve been restless.  Ink restless.  And there’s been a few tattoos I’ve been wanting for awhile, and having been living knitting lately, I thought it was time I committed to my love.  I spent nights searching and searching knitting tattoos and nothing took my breath away until I came across this gem:  It was love at first site:

(Minus the flowers) This will be the new addition of ink.

(Minus the flowers) This will be the new addition of ink.

Upside down, obvioulsy it reads "Purl"

Upside down, obviously it reads "Purl"

I’m taking the plunge this time because I will be getting these (small!) on my wrists in brown.  One arm will read “Purl” and the other “Knit.”  I say taking the plunge, because my other 6 tattoos are all strategically placed so that they can be easily covered.  These will be my first marks away from that, and after hard consideration, I’m okay with that.  Nothing that brings me true joy in life involves me sitting in an office (unless one day it’s my own) and I hardly consider these marks “offensive,” so, here we go!

Otherwise, there hasn’t been much news here.  Still long hours for Hubby but hopefully that will improve next week with the start of camp.  As for the floral shop, we’re still waiting for the true “Gardening Rush” as the cold weather has post-poned that.  I’m thinking this week (being our first of warm weather and non frosty nights) will be it.

Oh, and also we have bears.  Not that that’s big news living in 1100 acres of woods, but when we saw this cubby up a tree by our yard, we got the point.  At least he was cute!

Cubby!

Cubby!

Luckily, no signs of Momma!

Luckily, no signs of Momma!

« Older entries