Into Every Life a Little Rain Must Fall May 16, 2008

Today makes 4 years since my mom passed.  It’s not a subject I talk about much.  Frankly, there’s not much to tell.  Surprisingly even after 4 years today got to me. 
For those that don’t know, my mom suffered from Clinical Depression and Alcoholism all my life.  We never had a real relationship and I have no idea who my “real mom” ever was.   There was 23 years of very hard times, but it was days like these that I can only seem to remember her large happy glazed eyes first thing in the morning, or her waiting by the kitchen table full of presents every morning of my Birthday.  Those are the brief moments I miss.  It was those fleeting moments that I got a glimpse of what having a “normal mom” was like. 
My mom called a day before her death and left a message begging for me to call her.  She was in the midst of a move from an apartment in which she had lived for 8 years into a different place.  I callously brushed her off promising that I would call her when she was moved in.  I never got that chance. 
My mom knew her fate.  She yelled at her brother and parents for trying to unpack her things.  She wanted them left.  She had other things planned.  She always made a bid deal out of Birthdays.  My Grandma’s Birthday was right around the corner.  She apologized to my Grandma citing previous years when my mom had made a cake and they celebrated together.  She told my Grandma that she wasn’t going to be around for that year’s celebration, and again she apologized.  My Grandma didn’t think much of it thinking that my mom must have an appointment that day and wouldn’t be able to come up.  Mom’s wake was on Grandma’s Birthday. 
The weight of the world topped with a forced move, a mental illness and alcoholism got to be too much for my mom to handle after 23 years.  She decided that night that she would take a bottle of tranquilizers, a bottle of blood pressure lowering meds and wash it down with a bottle of alcohol.  She fixed her hair and laid down on the living room floor to drift off to “sleep.”
It was my Grandparents that found her the next day after they had tried to call and there was no answer.  My mom had meant for a Social Worker to find her as she had an appt. with one at 10:00 the next morning. 
I don’t write this looking for pity.  Even though my mom committed suicide, I know that she was supposed to ”go home.”  If God didn’t want her, he wouldn’t have taken her.  Simple as that.  Further more, I know she’s in heaven, because even despite the hell she lived, she never lost focus of God–even when He didn’t “answer” her prayers and cure her.  She never lost her faith…just her way. 
What I’m left with on rare days like these is a sense of longing.  I long a sense of closure in the torrentialy tumultuous relationship she and I had.  I long for a hug from her to know that we’re okay.  None of those things got resolved and maybe that’s what hurts if anything….not having that last minute to at least end things neutrally…even if that means to agree to disagree.  If there’s any wish in my heart.  That would be it.
Finally, am I mad?  No.  I want the best for my mom.  Under these circumstances, her death was probably it.  I don’t mean to sound harsh. I just mean that it’s the relief from the hell she lived for so many years, and regardles of how she died, she earned that.  She deserves that. 
So Mom, wherever you are.  I still love you.  I always will.  And I hope the next time I see you we can spent sometime together and I can get to know the “real” you.

Musical Memories May 15, 2008

Not much going on at the present moment.  I survived “Black Monday” at the Floral Shop with 3 complaints from Mother’s Day, which is not bad at all considering we literally had hundreds of orders. 
Since then, it’s been housework and dealing with an unusually whiny and clingy kidlet.  Not sure what’s going on there….
In the meantime, I’ve been pondering a lot of things.  One of which is the scariness of the current world.  Maybe it’s just me, but Cyclones, Tornadoes, Earthquakes and Wild Fires….not to mention rising prices on everything and a dramatic increase in the number of hungry people in the world….  Maybe it’s the news trying to get ratings, but this is the first time in my life where I’ve actually felt a little scared watching the news at night. 
On a much lighter note, I’ve also been thinking about how certain songs bring you back in a second to a past time or place.  Even better some songs remind you of someone.  I love this phenomenon.  I love hearing “Gin Blossoms” and being carried back to my parents house and that neighborhood in my mind, or “Shania Twain” (barf) and being taken back to the bathroom on E Floor of Shoemaker Hall at my college.  Songs are so powerful that way.  I love that.
I then got to thinking….I wonder what songs remind people of me?  (yikes)  Maybe it’s best I don’t find out. 
Well, off to get through this afternoon and look forward to the reward of Season Finales on TV.  It doesn’t take much to make me happy. 

Happy Mother’s Day! May 11, 2008

If you’re a mom and you’re reading this….Happy Mother’s Day!   Unfortunately, my Mom passed away almost 4 years ago (May 16th, 2004).  It sucks sometimes, but I also know that she is in a better place and now she’s always with me.   In any case, Happy Mother’s Day, Mom!
I spent yesterday replacing some plants in my gardens.  We also shopped at Menards and Aldi’s (for groceries.)  We then went out to eat for Mother’s Day and came home and got kidlet to bed. 
I was tucked into the couch, watching Nascar, a laptop on my lap ready for the night, and my cell rang.  It was Amie and she wanted to know if I wanted to go out.  I hesitated…but Hubby insisted that I go and have some fun.  I went out and met the group at a local bar and had a good time.  I also played responsible and came home at 10:30….prude, I know.  But I wanted to be able to enjoy Mother’s Day instead of being hungover and tired.
As for today, Hubby greeted me with breakfast after I got to sleep in and gave me a card from kidlet which he had her sign with her hand prints in paint.  I love it!  They will also be getting me the book ”The Last Lecture” when they can find (as stores have been sold out).  Hubby remembers me saying “I want that” after I saw it on TV.  He’s so awesome! 
Kidlet is laying down at the moment.   When she wakes, we’ll get her lunch and hubby is going to take her into town to do some shopping and visit his mom.  This will give me sometime to perhaps do more gardening or just relax.  I need to savor this as this is the last quiet weekend around here for a long time. –It’s the perils of living in a Boy Scout Camp in Summer. 

A Day You Wouldn’t Believe. Hell, I don’t believe it and I was there. May 8, 2008

Mother’s Day is the only holiday that leads to a phone conversation with an elderly person trying to convince them that there REALLY are no letters in a Credit Card number.   That was last year.  I thought that couldn’t be topped.  I was wrong. 
There’s an unexplained phenomenon that during any major holiday included with the deluge of phone orders are the stupid questions phoned in.  In the middle of chaos a lady wants to know what flowers are edible and if we carry them.  Where was this question a month ago when I had 3 hours to devote to it?  Nah, let me have it on a day we’re so busy I can’t remember my name.  And, why would anyone want to eat flowers anyway?  I mean, I know it’s done…but honestly, is our economy *that bad* already?
The *very first* order I pick up this morning to enter into our system at the shop, included a Mother’s Day card that read, “Happy Mother’s Day, Mom!  Thanks for loving me even when my underwear smells bad.”  Oh God.  I need a raise. 
I was being my normal self today, although admittedly a bit wired.   One of the most Christan of my co-workers comes up to me and says, “I’d love to see you stoned.”  That sent me into hysterics.  She said, “You’re already fun sober, I can’t imagine you high.”  Umm….thanks I think. 
Next, a male customer with a big voice came in demanding to speak with the person in charge.  Luckily, my boss was on the phone.  My co-worker explained this to him and asked if she could help him.  He bellowed out proudly, “I just wanted to let you folks know that back in 1895 at this very intersection was a Floral Shop!”  We all look at him, “Yeah, it’s us.”  He comes back with, “Well, I don’t know if it was you guys, but there was one here.”  Once again, “Yeah, us.”  I think the crazies were out today.
Finally, going back to stupid phone calls; once again, during chaos I get an elderly woman calling demanding that I take a message for my boss to save her some beautiful white and red Geraniums.  I take her name once more as I scribble a note and I hear.  “Now don’t you forget!  If he sells all of those plants, I’m going to blame you, Kate!”  Great.  The elderly are revolting against me now.  Oh well, I guess I have it coming. 

I’m Not an Addict! May 6, 2008

I was starting to slightly worry about the endless hours I’ve spent in the evenings winding-down by flipping through Orchid Auctions on eBay.   I didn’t want to say anything to Hubby, but I was wondering if I was developing a problem.  Thank God for the customers that come into the Floral Shop.
I got talking to a good customer of ours about her Orchids.  I knew she grew them for years.  What I *didn’t* know was that she has 70.  7-0!!  Without a Greenhouse!  She says she has no room on her kitchen table left, and she said that those 70 plants *didn’t* count her house plants. 
Hearing this, I decided that I don’t have a problem.  And if I do have a problem, satisfying it by window-shopping eBay auctions is okay.  After this weekend, I’ll have a total of 6 and one is being given-away.  That’s okay.
That’s what I have to watch with myself.  When I find something new that I like, I immerse myself in it.  I consume myself in it.  It’s not a matter of getting one or two or just trying something.  I belly-flop into the deep end.  At least I recognize that about myself and thus I can window-shop eBay and be happy with 5 Orchids.  I grow wiser everyday.
It is also an OUTSTANDING mail-week!  I have a new cell phone coming, we’re getting a new credit card (which is actually a good thing), a spring coat for kidlet is on it’s way and my orchids come Saturday.  In the meantime, we’re so caught up on our bills, our mailbox is quite empty.  I guess I should be grateful?…..or Sign up for more catalogs.–I love looking.  Okay.  Maybe I do have a problem…at least it’s a window-shopping problem, and that’s fairly inexpensive.

Funky Funkiness May 6, 2008

If you were fortunate enough to catch my Tweets this morning, you got to see me in a foul mood….Sorry about that.  I just could not wake up and on top of that kidlet was really  whiny and I couldn’t get anything done.  I figured that when I started to yell, we had to change something.  I scooped up kidlet, grabbed my coffee and called the pooch and went for a walk.  Luckily, this helped a lot.  The sun was shining, the birds chirping, the lake clear.   I was able to get back into a mindset of gratefulness.   I love that mindset. 
It then hit me that I’m living the life I’ve longed for.  I have the stability I craved during those tumultuous years between 18-21.  I have a family, a house, as odd as it is to say, I have responsibilities.  I have a great job, an excellent husband, a beautiful daughter.  But furthermore, I made this life.  Yes, God provides, but I made the choices to bring me where I am.   I guess it’s this realization that made me proud of myself, if that’s not too conceited to say…. 
After everything that’s happened, I turned out okay.  I am capable of anything.  Today is a good day and tomorrow will be better!

Personal Assistant Anyone? May 4, 2008

I was surfing the other night and came across http://iwantsandy.com/.  She works with http://twitter.com/ which is a part of my livelihood.  She reminds you of anything you want her too, and by working with Twitter, she can send your reminders to your phone when you’re out and about. 
I’m still trying to get her to really work for me, but the fault is with me at the moment because I don’t have a whole lot going on for her to help me with.  That wiil change, I’m sure.
I just thought I would pass the word to help everyone else out too. 
Have a good one!

Nice Surprise May 4, 2008

After everything that recent times has brought, it was nice to get an unexpected text from a High School friend and have that text chat carry on through the day.   What was even nicer was chatting about “deeper” things that we never have before.  It really made my day.  My cell phone plan change to 1,000 texts/mo. couldn’t have come at a better time. 
This week brings Mother’s Day in a Floral Shop which in some ways resembles the Apocalypse….only with less confusion but the same amount of screaming.  (Silently in the bathroom 1/2 way through the day of course.  And NEVER in front of customers.)   This is the only holiday I dread a bit (Aside from Christmas)…meaning that it goes RIGHT into Gardening Season for us, so the busy-ness doesn’t break.  Great for business and job security…iffy for sanity. 
All in all things are getting back to normal…keep in mind it’s “me” saying “Normal” so by anyone else’s standard that’s non-existant here.  But that’s okay.  Our daughter is getting healthy again and *that’s* what matters. 
Off to try and lick my elbow. (j.k) 

A Hellofa Week May 2, 2008

Wow.  What a week of a very sick child, spiking fevers, 4 different meds, whining, crying, sweating, baths.  Yeah, I’m tired.  
Luckily, I can say this morning that I’m seeing glimpses of my usual girl.  No fevers this morning, there’s been a few smiles and even some happy squeals.  Thank God. 
I can’t thank all my friends on Twitter (www.twitter.com) enough for all your kind words, thoughts and cares.  I really appreciate it!
As for me, I’m pretty wore out right now.   I wish I could say that this weekend will bring some relief, but it’s Staff Weekend out here at camp and Elvis has to work all weekend.  I may get a shot at some extra sleep Sunday afternoon.  I can hope. 
My spirits are better today.  Less worried and no longer frantic. 
Hubby took a look at our finances and things are looking great.  This year we’ll be able to REALLY start saving.   After this month, we’ll have one debt left to pay on (outside of our regular bills.)   I smell a savings account for a house around the corner. :)  Yay! 
On the Orchid front, the ‘Hawaiian Passion’ has suffered.  I *think* it froze during shipping and I lost over half of the foliage.  (Stupid WI Weather.)  I contacted the seller about it and am waiting to hear from him what he thinks.  A girl can hope for a replacement plant, but I don’t know if that will happen.  In the meantime, a moment of silence please……Thank you.  LOL
Sorry this post is lacking in my usual wit and cleverness.  I’m lacking my usual sleep. 

Great. I’m living with “Chucky” May 1, 2008

Just when I thought things couldn’t get more turned around here, our daughter’s toys have started going off on their own.  This started yesterday and has never happened before. 
The Stuffed Puppy started singing and changed it’s tune 3 times while laying on the floor by itself undisturbed, and the “Fridge DJ” decided it wanted to sing the Alphabet song also while it was on the floor alone. 
Nothing today so far.   I just wanted to give everyone the heads-up in case I’m found slaughtered anytime soon.  I just might be living with “Chucky” in Stuffed-Puppy form.  What a way to go…… LOL.